Never Anything to say

It's true. I guess I'm just boring.

Things have been quite busy though, senior project coming to a close, finally joining the Call of Duty band wagon, etc. I took the dog from my ex, because she's been horribly neglected and hasn't had any care for about 6 months now. Now that I have the dog, no need to talk to the ex.

Regardless I'm not really talking to anyone anymore except the best friend. He's even worse in the Call of Duty crazy than I am, even when I go over I just sit on my computer while he plays CoD. I don't mind it though I just like the occasional company instead of my basement of solitude.

I feel too lonely at times, unfortunately. There isn't much I can do about it because there isn't much I can go for. At all. I'm pretty much accepting of the whole "never feel love again" issue, but there's not even the occasional little spark to fizzle out anymore. Shame.

Two Weeks of Solitude

I never got chances to update, I’ve had the house to myself the past two weeks. I must admit I developed a slight drinking problem while sitting by myself here.

Anyway, my friends and I have been on epic adventures, in which my camera was destroyed and I lost all footage of it. I ran into dramas, and I still find myself sitting alone each night. It’s just so universally accepted. A lot of people wish there was something that could be done but it’s just like…. not happening.

In two weeks the Marine Corps Ball comes. My date has been the most flakey headache ever. She doesn’t talk to me for weeks to the point I don’t even know if she’s going or not. Then she talks to me just saying she’s excited about it. But taking the plans and then just stepping all over them. My set in stone plans she’s just not ok with every little part. I want to be at the part where I just say look, I’m just gonna go with someone else. But I can’t do that because I can’t pull a new date out of nowhere. I’m stuck humoring her until I figure out whats going on.

Another game of catchup

 

Damn it, I keep ended up so busy that at the time I plan on blogging, I wind up unable.

So it’s been an interesting two weekends. I’m sort of rekindled an old friendship that was destroyed due to a girl. It’s nice to see it back, and while we had a four man road trip to the Poconos on a complete whim, he finally opened up to us about his break up, as he lost all of his mutual friends with the girl. He lost them all because he wouldn’t tell of the drama, so without any known reasons, they all thought he just looked like a jerk. Learning some of the things that were going on, I almost can’t even believe what he said has happened, but it’s far too detailed and ridiculous for him to have made it up. Unfortunately, this girl, a girl I still care about to an extent, had done things SO horrible that I wouldn’t even dare type them on the internet. That bad.

The girl is still close with my family, and I still care enough to take care of her if she was in trouble, but I can’t even look at her the same really. I wouldn’t even accept her if she had wanted to rekindle me and her suddenly. She seems so caught up in lies as well, I catch it constantly. She would tell me how she’s independent, how she doesn’t need him and he’s the one who’s bothering her and won’t leave her alone, but then I spend time with him and see him happy with his new girlfriend, wanting his ex out of his life, and she’s the one constantly texting him saying “I love you” and trying to surprise him with romantic things. Maybe I should confront her about it to make her feel retarded, but perhaps she’s in a vulnerable enough state already that she doesn’t need a taste of my bluntness on top of it.

Then again, maybe I need to be blunt, because even though I get along with him again now, her obsession is getting in the way of everyone and dragging me into the middle of their drama. I actually had to scold them both on it, because after a second weekend of joking around and going on an adventure, the way only the Four Horsemen could, I shot her a text just to see how she’s been doing, because I had to kidnap him to my other friend’s house so he could avoid her continuously trying to hang out with him. She basically started harassing him once she knew I was home and he still wasn’t, and she began planning something “romantic” for him, or as I like to call it, annoying. I didn’t care but I didn’t want to get into it, I continued playing Civilization.

After a few hours, she says “ok I’m free” because apparently she took “what you been up to” as seeing if she was free to hang out with me? she asked if I wanted to meet somewhere, and I told her I was busy hanging posters so I didn’t know. She decided she wanted to dye her hair, and wanted me to help her pick a color, so without me even answering, I get the “I’m outside” text. Then he starts texting me. She was up his ass, so he told her she needed to stop so he could have fun with himself instead of dealing with her drama. Him telling her that is what sent her to my house without even planning anything with me, and now he’s texting me things like “we can’t let this come between us and it’s going to” He’s the only one letting it get to him I’m not trying anything and I see straight through her to what she’s getting at. She basically was using me to make him jealous after she told him off, just like how last Friday she tried making me think she would stop by at some point so I’d wait at home, and with me at home not hanging out with her obsession, she was free to go there, but we both saw through it and I picked him up leaving her with no one to hang out with.

He begged me while she was over dying her hair to not let her coax me into doing anything with her, because she’s trying to ruin our friendship so she can get back to him. I’m not even doing anything other than watching Top Gear, and it’s becoming annoying to get interrogated and asked if she’s still there and what she’s doing, I told her she needs to stop playing these games that I know she’s trying to do and stop asking me about him or even talking to me about him, and he needs to stop too because his interrogations are just as annoying. I don’t know why I bother keeping friends sometimes, all they do is pull me into their shit I want nothing to do with.

The Ones that Hurt Us

I often wonder what causes us as humans to be so stupid.

I sit here most nights and look at people I know. Look at how often people lie, cheat, steal; it's just their lifestyle. The world has gotten to the point where those are the things that keep society moving. Everything is done for one's own personal gain. The person who invented the wheel did it to make life easier for himself, just as Average Joe Blow steals from his own job to sell things to his boss. He does it to make money because he's underpaid, the boss underpays him because the boss wants the money for himself.

Lies are everywhere you look. Some people tend to think that you have to tell someone something that isn't true to be considered a lie. I find it extends beyond that simple description. If someone say, smokes cigarettes, and does it without you knowing, and you find out when that person didn't want you to, then I consider hiding facts to be no different than lying. Why? I only hid it because I didn't want you to be mad! That's still no good. By hiding your true personality and what makes you you, other people are fooled into thinking you're what you appear to be to them. Your actions lie for you in that case.

So much lying in the world is why I just don't understand relationships. People aren't happy with their significant other, but instead of being honest and saying "babe, I'm not happy", the simple solution for ones own personal gain is to cheat. I could never do such a thing, I'd rather just straight up say "this isn't working out." And be done with it. Worse even is when someone leaves the girl for another girl, but then still tells girl 1 that she's the one and he doesn't want to lose her, and then sleeps with her behind his new girlfriend's back. It baffles me, why even leave the girl in the first place if you're just going to keep being with her behind your new lover's back? I guess we just want to have our cake and eat it too.

Perhaps it's just no matter how much you feel a connection to that one person, that person themselves just does nothing but hurt you. Whether its physical or mental, the one we hold dear to us always seems to hurt the most, and that one is just as untrustworthy as a stranger on the street. Perhaps that one who you know you would drop ANYTHING for at any given moment, actually talks about you to all her friends and you hear nothing but negative things about yourself from said friends, and even things about you that aren't even true. That person still means the world to you through all the bad, but how much can you really trust them when they want nothing to do with you until they need a favor? Just because they know that if they ask you, you'll go all out to help them, just so they can walk all over you after they get what they want. And through all the trash talking, and all of the using, that person still hides things to you and would lie right to your face if you found the truth.

I see this everywhere and will never understand why all people live and act in these ways. Furthermore, when I see and understand this, I wish I could understand why I continue to let these things happen to myself.

Stop it.

damn it

I've been meaning to start this again, but every week I just fall asleep or can't think of a decent topic. I still can't really think of a decent topic.

Regardless, I'm forcing myself to post. I've spent nearly all of my money from the short mission to Mozambique remodeling my basement into almost like my own apartment under the house. It looks amazing. Only halfway finished though. My living room is ready but I got stuck at my room and too much has been going on to continue.

School has sprung in full speed on me, and I find myself already studying for exams. Where did this come from I'm so overworked.

I'm trying to not put any personal things in this such as things about friends or relationships, but my heart grows rather confused about this opportunity that will always be just impossible but I'll always want to achieve. This is the closest success has come in some time, yet there still seems no way to attain what I'd do anything for. I won't get into detail because I don't know what to say without unleashing information I'd rather not share.

Until I have something smarter to say, I'll post again next week.

The Countdown

Not much longer for this training. I have this week, then a 96 (4 day weekend) then one day, then a wakeup and I leave. Good riddance. Missouri is misery.

However, I must say I do prefer my time spent active duty than my time in the civilian world. If I was sent to say, Okinawa or Camp Pendleton I wouldn't mind being active duty. It just feels like that's how it's meant to be. If only college wasn't in my way. I think once I graduate I'm doing everything in my power to be active, even if it means a deployment.

I'm taking this last bit of time here to once again start talking to the people at home, to prepare myself for being back in that lifestyle for a few weeks. I'm not really putting that much concern into girls around here like I was before. I'm still talking to the one but I don't care what happens. My thoughts are on my hometown again. I just wish I could be active duty and still be close to home. Would never happen. All I can do now is finish these last road tests and count the days.

7 tons of updates

Really not as easy to update as I wish.

As said before, I've been in Missouri for training. I passed the Humvee test and am getting used to MTVRs, also called 7 tons. So far I'm at the top of the class with a perfect 100% average. Easy.

I rarely even try contacting my friends at home anymore other than the weekly call to the parents. It's really just so rare to get an answer or get to talk that it's like contacting them is too much effort on my part just to not talk. Very, VERY occasionally I talk to maybe one or two people, but nothing special.

I don't really spend much time in my room, as I don't really like the room mate whos with me from back home. I find myself talking more with a select few people. I even left base for the first time since coming here to get a hotel and party with a few. Still not my cup of tea but at least it's something new.

One of the main reasons I came out this weekend was to talk more with a certain girl. This girl is by no means anything special, but she's got the type of flirt to her that makes me stick around her more, and she needs help understanding the 7 ton so I help her out with that since I understand a lot of it. She is part of this group I went out with, yet they didn't tell her where they were going, basically ditched her because apparently they actually find her annoying and stupid even though she means good. I can see where this comes from, she's very naive and innocent, only just turned 18. I can't say much though since I don't know her too well. Maybe these next few weeks I'll get to though.

I find myself wishing I was active duty. The parts of being sent wherever they need me instead of to a reserve station close to home are an iffy idea, but the idea of waking up at 0430 every day really isn't bad. I exercise a bunch and even though I'm that unmotivated terminal lance corporal, I'm secretly really enjoying active duty life. I'm really kept busy and even though theres nothing to do in missouri I still feel comfortable in the atmosphere of these other PFCs and all in the platoon. I guess theres nothing I can do now, it's already been 2 years I might as well just see where the road takes me.