Well, now that the semester has begun, I feel like I can barely get a chance to sit down unless I'm going to sleep. I've been really overworked the past week, but at the same time it feels rewarding and I find myself feeling happier than otherwise.
My entire sleep schedule has been destroyed, as when 6am used to be when to call it a night, I find it's now become the time to wake up because of my morning commute with early classes. I feel like the commute gives me more of a sense of responsibility as opposed to dorming. When living in a dorm I could just come back from class, play some video games, and sleep. Now it's more like a job, where I wake up, drive there, do what I have to do, come back and do more work. I have to admit though, I like the feeling.
On top of the classes beginning, my mother is also having her kitchen remodeled. My father and I are both engineers. He's 65 with high blood pressure and a bad temper. Guess who's been doing most of the work? As soon as I get home from class, feeling happy, feeling like I can sit down in front of the computer and relax, I walk in the door and "oh great you're here I really need your help with this it'll only be an hour". Of course, by "hour" we really mean I end up working from the moment I get home until dinner. So in total it's about 12 hours of busy work a day, and then by the time I can sit down I'm exhausted to the point where nothing gets done except for staring at youtube for an hour and then trying to catch up on a lack of sleep. I haven't ever felt this overworked outside of the military, but at the same time, I also like the feeling. These responsibilities and reliabilities falling on me are destroying me and exhausting me, but this feeling of accomplishment and happiness is something that really doesn't fall into my life often. I might be falling behind on my daily habits such as downloading the newest tv shows or playing video games, but I might milk this feeling of usefulness as much as I can, or at least until it kills me.
Speaking of military, I was on duty this weekend and it was actually enjoyable as well. Some of the NCOs have made me the first Junior Marine to ever be invited for drinks with them. And although I dislike drinking, and dislike beer even moreso, I had a good time socializing with them and watching the football game at the bar. It makes me feel good that some people are around my station that I get along with, even if they do outrank me. Most of the people around my rank just annoy me, especially one specific one with the "I'm hot stuff" attitude who will treat whoever he wants like garbage and try and stick himself into whatever woman he can. Even the way that one walks and his general posture disgusts me, but he is in fact a good Marine, no matter how shitty a person I consider him. It's just an enjoyment for the higher ups to consider an antisocial guy like me better for them to invite out for drinks than Mr P.T. Stud.
Furthermore with the Marines, we had a class recently that really has nothing to do with the military, but they thought it would be helpful from a mental standpoint to have a little fun for a change and learn something about the Four Lenses. I found it really interesting and the next time I blog it will be about that. As for now though I should be sleeping, wakeup time in a few hours
Wednesday, January 20, 2010
Friday, January 8, 2010
Loneliness
Loneliness. A feeling that comes all to frequently. It always comes and goes like phases of the moon, or even a menstruation cycle. And it's a feeling that practically defines life for me.
As far back as memories can even go, I spent most of my time by myself. Even my early childhood would have me sitting quietly in the basement building with Legos or playing with colorforms. I didn't care as much for riding bikes or playing with friends. In fact my childhood didn't really have much as far as friends, I had maybe one up till when I was 8 or 9. And then the few more friends I gained were all so distant in my eyes that after I went to high school I never really talked to any of them again.
High school I guess is when I actually started getting legitimate friends, friends I still talk to today. High school also brought my first interest in girls. Before that sure I thought girls were pretty, and like every other preteen boy I was looking at dirty magazines and all that which isn't necessary to get into detail about. But then a girl thought I was cute I guess, and I decided to go for it and get that "first kiss" where my life changed and girls were suddenly the only thing I could think about.
Now I'm in college. I should be done with it but sometimes Engineering winds up taking a bit more than 4 years. I still keep the closer friends I made in high school, and some friends I've made after high school too. I still don't have a lot of friends, I'm just not that kind of socialite. I much prefer to have those few individuals you can count on with your life than a multitude of idiots you don't actually trust. Even with these close friends I still need time to just be by myself, as I always have. I just can't take always having people around. There is a difference now in comparison to my childhood however. Because this social world collided with my little bubble back when, I can't handle complete solitude the way I used to. Even when I still prefer being by myself, I need to occasionally get it all out, be with at least one other person just to actually remember how it feels to need to speak to make communication.
I don't completely understand the cravings for social interaction. It's something I never needed growing up, but now that I'm grown I need to do it at least every few days, like giving water to a plant. I continue to prefer solitude, yet without this social "water" my brain begins to wilt.I sometimes think I see the social world as an experiment. While I do have those few friends I count on, when I'm with them and the group of people becomes larger, I tend to not speak. I feel like I don't need to, and conversation seems to go so fluently that I never really find a particular moment that feels right to add something to. I much prefer staying quiet in these situations, because one thing I've always been good at my whole life is observation, and that's just what I do while everyone else is talking. I like to watch everyone talk. I see how people react to different topics, I see body language and figure out their thoughts based on it. I gain more understanding for people from watching them interact and figuring them out than I do from interacting with them myself. It's like they're my own little science projects.
As much as I enjoy observing how people work mentally, to the point where I can understand how and why things effect each person the way they do, I've sort of strayed off from the original topic, loneliness. As much of a loner I prefer to be, the feeling of love is the biggest puzzle of all. A puzzle that I once thought I had solved, yet was so long ago that I don't remember if I really did or not, or what the solution even may be. I don't remember what it feels like to be in love, if love even really does exist. I often wonder if it does, because anyone who says they're in love, can have their love life come to an end, and then realize they were mistaken, but you don't realize this mistake until after it ends, so how could you know you're in love, if no matter how much you believe so, you could easily just be wrong? It's something I don't understand.
I try to understand it, because every single friend I hold close to me has a significant other. Boyfriend, girlfriend, fiance, you know the deal. I haven't had a girl to hold in close to 4 years, and sometimes I see these friends kissing goodnight, cuddling during a movie, arguing, traveling somewhere together. It's all feelings that I can't relate to anymore due to forgetting over a length of time. Seeing this possible love between people, whether it's my close friends or complete strangers, will occasionally depress me, if only because it's the one thing I don't have a vague understanding of, and that I can't remember what holding someone would feel like. What you would feel not only in your mind, but in that strange little thing we call a soul, when that special someone looks into your eyes, lays her head on your shoulder during a movie, or even keeps warm in your arms during sleep. The lack of memory over time and lack of understanding because of it is just depressing, and this is the dreaded feeling of loneliness that veers overhead as if it were a curse. There's nothing that I can do to just understand. Instead I just lay in bed holding my pillow, wondering what it might have felt like when I wasn't the only one laying here.
As far back as memories can even go, I spent most of my time by myself. Even my early childhood would have me sitting quietly in the basement building with Legos or playing with colorforms. I didn't care as much for riding bikes or playing with friends. In fact my childhood didn't really have much as far as friends, I had maybe one up till when I was 8 or 9. And then the few more friends I gained were all so distant in my eyes that after I went to high school I never really talked to any of them again.
High school I guess is when I actually started getting legitimate friends, friends I still talk to today. High school also brought my first interest in girls. Before that sure I thought girls were pretty, and like every other preteen boy I was looking at dirty magazines and all that which isn't necessary to get into detail about. But then a girl thought I was cute I guess, and I decided to go for it and get that "first kiss" where my life changed and girls were suddenly the only thing I could think about.
Now I'm in college. I should be done with it but sometimes Engineering winds up taking a bit more than 4 years. I still keep the closer friends I made in high school, and some friends I've made after high school too. I still don't have a lot of friends, I'm just not that kind of socialite. I much prefer to have those few individuals you can count on with your life than a multitude of idiots you don't actually trust. Even with these close friends I still need time to just be by myself, as I always have. I just can't take always having people around. There is a difference now in comparison to my childhood however. Because this social world collided with my little bubble back when, I can't handle complete solitude the way I used to. Even when I still prefer being by myself, I need to occasionally get it all out, be with at least one other person just to actually remember how it feels to need to speak to make communication.
I don't completely understand the cravings for social interaction. It's something I never needed growing up, but now that I'm grown I need to do it at least every few days, like giving water to a plant. I continue to prefer solitude, yet without this social "water" my brain begins to wilt.I sometimes think I see the social world as an experiment. While I do have those few friends I count on, when I'm with them and the group of people becomes larger, I tend to not speak. I feel like I don't need to, and conversation seems to go so fluently that I never really find a particular moment that feels right to add something to. I much prefer staying quiet in these situations, because one thing I've always been good at my whole life is observation, and that's just what I do while everyone else is talking. I like to watch everyone talk. I see how people react to different topics, I see body language and figure out their thoughts based on it. I gain more understanding for people from watching them interact and figuring them out than I do from interacting with them myself. It's like they're my own little science projects.
As much as I enjoy observing how people work mentally, to the point where I can understand how and why things effect each person the way they do, I've sort of strayed off from the original topic, loneliness. As much of a loner I prefer to be, the feeling of love is the biggest puzzle of all. A puzzle that I once thought I had solved, yet was so long ago that I don't remember if I really did or not, or what the solution even may be. I don't remember what it feels like to be in love, if love even really does exist. I often wonder if it does, because anyone who says they're in love, can have their love life come to an end, and then realize they were mistaken, but you don't realize this mistake until after it ends, so how could you know you're in love, if no matter how much you believe so, you could easily just be wrong? It's something I don't understand.
I try to understand it, because every single friend I hold close to me has a significant other. Boyfriend, girlfriend, fiance, you know the deal. I haven't had a girl to hold in close to 4 years, and sometimes I see these friends kissing goodnight, cuddling during a movie, arguing, traveling somewhere together. It's all feelings that I can't relate to anymore due to forgetting over a length of time. Seeing this possible love between people, whether it's my close friends or complete strangers, will occasionally depress me, if only because it's the one thing I don't have a vague understanding of, and that I can't remember what holding someone would feel like. What you would feel not only in your mind, but in that strange little thing we call a soul, when that special someone looks into your eyes, lays her head on your shoulder during a movie, or even keeps warm in your arms during sleep. The lack of memory over time and lack of understanding because of it is just depressing, and this is the dreaded feeling of loneliness that veers overhead as if it were a curse. There's nothing that I can do to just understand. Instead I just lay in bed holding my pillow, wondering what it might have felt like when I wasn't the only one laying here.
Tuesday, January 5, 2010
Is this that Swine Flu I've been hearing about?
Go figure the day I plan on getting started on my self development, I wind up dreadfully sick.
I don't know exactly what I have. It wasn't pleasant to move, and I ended up sleeping about 16 hours total. After doing so while sweating it all out, I feel much better, except for all of the stuff that I need to cough out all day today.
Since I didn't actually do anything today besides watch some top gear and continue recovering, I suppose I could talk about my goals as of now towards self development. A habit I have always had was thinking long term, thinking about the big picture of things. Some things this can be considered good, such as strategy games or even real life things such as what the higher ups worry about in the military. However, for an individual human being you can't be 100% big picture. It's neccessary to think of the small picture, otherwise going from what you are now to what you'd like to be seems hopeless if not impossible. So the first thing I need to do is take into consideration smaller things I'd like to improve on.
First off, I wouldn't say I'm an active youtuber, but I make videos every now and then. Some with my flip cam showing every day life, and some showing video game footage with commentary. It may not be entirely useful, or depending on the open mindedness of the reader maybe it is. It's something I enjoy doing, and not that I have many subscribers yet, but on the occasion that I get a comment or a rating, whether positive or negative, it means someone actually felt my video was meaningful enough to deserve some attention. So when I see someone comment, especially if they enjoy my work, it makes me feel like I actually make a difference, if at least to one person. It makes the hobby feel all the more passionate, and I plan to become more active with this hobby, keeping track of how often I do it and awarding myself points as an overall daily score of positive and negative things.
As far as health goes, I am not nor have I ever been overweight. I'm pretty sure it's not actually possible. I have however, been quite scrawny in appearance, the lacks of confidence throughout my life felt more visible as I was the skinny quiet kid standing there with a slouch throughout most of my life. I do have a military lifestyle though, even if it is only through the Reserves. I've begun to notice I don't have the same motivated feelings I used to when I first came home from boot camp. I came back actually fit instead of just thin. I even had slight detail to my abs. I've gotten lazier though especially during this past semester of school stress, so it's time to be healthy again. To start I need to exercise again, because I couldn't think of how long it's been since I last did so for myself instead of due to discipline. I'm not talking about going to a gym or running a triathlon, but at least to start a series of pushups and situps per day. I'm thinking 100 of each is a reasonable daily workout that I can pull off before going to sleep. And next up as much as exercise is a necessity to be healthy, so it what I eat. There had been points over the fall semester where I would eat nothing but tacos for an entire week because Taco Bell was right there. The junk food needs to be reduced. I can't do much about what I eat because I can't cook, but the very least I could do is put more fruits into my diet. I usually could live off just burgers and nothing more, so perhaps adding fruit into my system again will not only make me look healthier, but help me feel healthier as well.
Speaking of how I can't cook. Maybe it's time to learn. Spending as long as I have by myself, I've become very self sufficient through most of my life. So why can't I cook? That is one of the biggest things to being self sufficient. I often joke how I need to find a wife so I could have a good meal again, but really who knows when this wife will appear. I could be well into my 30s, I can't in good conscience allow myself to rot away anymore, it's time I learn for myself. I can't imagine I'd do well at first, or that I'd be preparing a fillet mignon, but I should at least start learning to make basic things to myself so I don't have to resort to a microwave my entire life.
I suppose that's enough ideas to list for now. I'm still a slight bit sick, so being up this late is taking a lot out of me. I think I'm going to meditate before I go to sleep, meditation being another goal of which I want to do more, so that I can feel more pure and healthy mentally as well as physically. I'm still attempting to find more smaller goals to keep track of, as well as some negative ideas such as fast food or alcohol to allow less of in my live. If anyone has any ideas, I'd love to hear. If I like them they'll even be put into practice. I'm looking at things with an open mind.
I don't know exactly what I have. It wasn't pleasant to move, and I ended up sleeping about 16 hours total. After doing so while sweating it all out, I feel much better, except for all of the stuff that I need to cough out all day today.
Since I didn't actually do anything today besides watch some top gear and continue recovering, I suppose I could talk about my goals as of now towards self development. A habit I have always had was thinking long term, thinking about the big picture of things. Some things this can be considered good, such as strategy games or even real life things such as what the higher ups worry about in the military. However, for an individual human being you can't be 100% big picture. It's neccessary to think of the small picture, otherwise going from what you are now to what you'd like to be seems hopeless if not impossible. So the first thing I need to do is take into consideration smaller things I'd like to improve on.
First off, I wouldn't say I'm an active youtuber, but I make videos every now and then. Some with my flip cam showing every day life, and some showing video game footage with commentary. It may not be entirely useful, or depending on the open mindedness of the reader maybe it is. It's something I enjoy doing, and not that I have many subscribers yet, but on the occasion that I get a comment or a rating, whether positive or negative, it means someone actually felt my video was meaningful enough to deserve some attention. So when I see someone comment, especially if they enjoy my work, it makes me feel like I actually make a difference, if at least to one person. It makes the hobby feel all the more passionate, and I plan to become more active with this hobby, keeping track of how often I do it and awarding myself points as an overall daily score of positive and negative things.
As far as health goes, I am not nor have I ever been overweight. I'm pretty sure it's not actually possible. I have however, been quite scrawny in appearance, the lacks of confidence throughout my life felt more visible as I was the skinny quiet kid standing there with a slouch throughout most of my life. I do have a military lifestyle though, even if it is only through the Reserves. I've begun to notice I don't have the same motivated feelings I used to when I first came home from boot camp. I came back actually fit instead of just thin. I even had slight detail to my abs. I've gotten lazier though especially during this past semester of school stress, so it's time to be healthy again. To start I need to exercise again, because I couldn't think of how long it's been since I last did so for myself instead of due to discipline. I'm not talking about going to a gym or running a triathlon, but at least to start a series of pushups and situps per day. I'm thinking 100 of each is a reasonable daily workout that I can pull off before going to sleep. And next up as much as exercise is a necessity to be healthy, so it what I eat. There had been points over the fall semester where I would eat nothing but tacos for an entire week because Taco Bell was right there. The junk food needs to be reduced. I can't do much about what I eat because I can't cook, but the very least I could do is put more fruits into my diet. I usually could live off just burgers and nothing more, so perhaps adding fruit into my system again will not only make me look healthier, but help me feel healthier as well.
Speaking of how I can't cook. Maybe it's time to learn. Spending as long as I have by myself, I've become very self sufficient through most of my life. So why can't I cook? That is one of the biggest things to being self sufficient. I often joke how I need to find a wife so I could have a good meal again, but really who knows when this wife will appear. I could be well into my 30s, I can't in good conscience allow myself to rot away anymore, it's time I learn for myself. I can't imagine I'd do well at first, or that I'd be preparing a fillet mignon, but I should at least start learning to make basic things to myself so I don't have to resort to a microwave my entire life.
I suppose that's enough ideas to list for now. I'm still a slight bit sick, so being up this late is taking a lot out of me. I think I'm going to meditate before I go to sleep, meditation being another goal of which I want to do more, so that I can feel more pure and healthy mentally as well as physically. I'm still attempting to find more smaller goals to keep track of, as well as some negative ideas such as fast food or alcohol to allow less of in my live. If anyone has any ideas, I'd love to hear. If I like them they'll even be put into practice. I'm looking at things with an open mind.
Sunday, January 3, 2010
New Year, New Decade, New Blog
So then, 2010. Do we call that two thousand ten? Twenty-ten? what about how we called 2009 "'09" as in "oh nine"? Do we just abreviate this year as Ten? I don't know.
Anyway, why start a blog? Well, I used to have an online journal type thing back in high school. The stupid typical high school angst that we today look at as if we must have lost our minds at that age. I'm not looking to make a blog like that again. Instead I'm making a blog about my thoughts. There's only one person I know who I feel I can discuss things with intellectually, yet sometimes I feel like my feelings and ideas could have more value than just a talk with a friend. Maybe I'll want to remember these thoughts one day. Perhaps some random person will come across my blog and become inspired by it, or have an opinion on one of my opinions, adding more open mindedness to my thoughts. We'll see what happens.
So New Year's resolution. Should I do what I've done every year for the last four years, and make it a goal to find a girlfriend? No, I'm tired of not succeeding. Let's put a resolution together that I can actually work towards and succeed with. Self Development. I can't say I've been the happiest person in the world, especially throughout "oh nine." I've slowly been deteriorating into an empty shell of a human being, wondering if I even have a soul anymore, and never even having the motivation to get out of bed, because what could possibly go right if I bother waking up? It's time to change that, because the only way I'm going to get anywhere in life is to unfuck myself.
Instead of this being a one track goal, it's multiple goals all stuffed together. Anything I can possibly to do better myself, I want to do. Anything that I feel I need to stop with or at least do less of, I want to stop. I won't succeed at every single minute detail, but I will succeed in some, and a success in some is a success in general, so it's already a plus in comparison to the girlfriend resolution. Yes I still want a girlfriend, but when I've dug myself into such a deep hole where I don't even know what "emotion" really is, then it's time to change my priorities. The possibility of love, whether it exists or not, can wait. It sure won't come running to me now, but if I better myself, I'll actually feel happy again, whatever that feels like. When I'm happy with myself and I'm a better person in any ways, I won't need to worry about a lack of love, it'll find me, because it'll be attracted to my success and my lifestyle. And if love turns out to be nonexistant like I often ponder, then oh well. At least I'm a better person in the end either way.
Anyway, why start a blog? Well, I used to have an online journal type thing back in high school. The stupid typical high school angst that we today look at as if we must have lost our minds at that age. I'm not looking to make a blog like that again. Instead I'm making a blog about my thoughts. There's only one person I know who I feel I can discuss things with intellectually, yet sometimes I feel like my feelings and ideas could have more value than just a talk with a friend. Maybe I'll want to remember these thoughts one day. Perhaps some random person will come across my blog and become inspired by it, or have an opinion on one of my opinions, adding more open mindedness to my thoughts. We'll see what happens.
So New Year's resolution. Should I do what I've done every year for the last four years, and make it a goal to find a girlfriend? No, I'm tired of not succeeding. Let's put a resolution together that I can actually work towards and succeed with. Self Development. I can't say I've been the happiest person in the world, especially throughout "oh nine." I've slowly been deteriorating into an empty shell of a human being, wondering if I even have a soul anymore, and never even having the motivation to get out of bed, because what could possibly go right if I bother waking up? It's time to change that, because the only way I'm going to get anywhere in life is to unfuck myself.
Instead of this being a one track goal, it's multiple goals all stuffed together. Anything I can possibly to do better myself, I want to do. Anything that I feel I need to stop with or at least do less of, I want to stop. I won't succeed at every single minute detail, but I will succeed in some, and a success in some is a success in general, so it's already a plus in comparison to the girlfriend resolution. Yes I still want a girlfriend, but when I've dug myself into such a deep hole where I don't even know what "emotion" really is, then it's time to change my priorities. The possibility of love, whether it exists or not, can wait. It sure won't come running to me now, but if I better myself, I'll actually feel happy again, whatever that feels like. When I'm happy with myself and I'm a better person in any ways, I won't need to worry about a lack of love, it'll find me, because it'll be attracted to my success and my lifestyle. And if love turns out to be nonexistant like I often ponder, then oh well. At least I'm a better person in the end either way.
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