Irony

When you spend two weeks without a bedroom due to flooding, finally move back in, and then the next day it rains and the bedroom floods again. That my friends is irony.

I've been slacking on a lot of things lately because I'm always so swamped with work. I feel like I can do something good as far as youtube is going. I recall before I was really making videos at all, maybe I had one vlog and some lets play stuff, but I remember something called VEDA, or Vlog Every Day April. Ended up causing me to find at least one or two of the youtubers I'm now subscribed to. I may actually try this. I'm not entirely positive though, as I really don't do enough to warrant a video every day. I'll try though I think. Also going to most likely record each video a day in advance, so I can just edit and update at night. Well, if a video shows up in my inbox tomorrow, that answers the question.

In other news, my faith in the female gender fades ever so thinner. That absolutely perfect seeming girl might just be the biggest bitch to me. With people who aren't me she's just great, and I know she would get along with me amazingly. However, she seems to just have this wall up when it comes to me. I can't get in, I can't even get conversation out of her. It's disappointing to think maybe I said something at some point that got her to dislike me, or maybe she's just not interested, or maybe she doesn't give the slightest care about me whatsoever, and might just care to use me as an "if all else fails and I need to get out of the house" option, which I feel like she pretty much did. It hurts the most to look at her and know that not to sound cocky, but I really think I would be perfect for her, especially with all the problems she has.

Should I move on? Everyone thinks so. But I look at this one and I just can't. It's so much different than every other girl to stray into my life for me to fail with.

Death

I must admit it is an interesting subject. Today was surely one of the more difficult days in my life.

This morning when I woke up my mother told me the dog's legs gave out and she just physically could not get back up. We brought her water and she drank it laying down. She tried to move and her whole bladder would empty. We kinda all knew it was time.

This dog has been around almost as long as I have. She was just about 18 years old, which for a golden retreiver is insane. I'm pretty sure they're expected to live 10-12 years. I've had this dog since I was 6, so although I didn't pay that much attention to her, it was just something that was always there. I took that for granted.

So back to today, the dog was laying on the floor in the exact same spot all day, couldn't get up. Interesting that she went out into the living room, because she's usually in my mothers room and when she woke up the dog was already laying out there unable to get up. I kinda feel like the dog sorta knew it was time to. I don't know if the way a dog thinks is anything similar to the way a human thinks, but if so I wondered to myself what could be going through the dogs mind as she just laid there. She wasn't panicking, wasn't struggling. She was just laying there calm. Could she have understood and accepted?

We carried her to the car and that's when she was scared. The dog didn't like car rides, ever. She would usually shake a bit, pant a lot, just nerves. This car ride was a completely different kind of shaking, and when we took her out of the car and put her on the table at the vet, it still didn't start. The dog wasn't nervous like a car ride. She made eye contact with me and I could actually see and understand straight fear in her. I never thought of animals to really have the thinking capacity that humans do, but looking in her cloudy cataract covered eyes I really wondered. She was terrified. Did she know that it was time? Was she afraid because she didn't know what would happen next? I don't know how she could know, the dogs never seen another die. Or seen any death, except for the occasional bird back when she was younger, but back then she didn't seem to understand. She'd drop the bird and just nudge it, not sure why it was limp. I don't know maybe the dog was just scared because she didn't know why she couldn't stand, but if that were the case she wouldn't have been so calm at the house for hours unable to stand.

I normally don't experience emotions. I don't see death as sad, especially because a majority of the time death comes naturally and it means it's just time to go, if you're old enough to die naturally then living even longer is in no way beneficial, you'd be physically a mess and it's always for the best to just let it happen instead of doing what you can to prolong life. But my mother was crying, even my father was choked out. Even my sort of sister was crying a little. I didn't quite cry, with the shivers and the bawling and all of that, but there were tears when she was given the sedative. She was still shaking, still scared. She started getting calmer, and as I stood while her body was going limp, she looked at me, and her eyes slowly closed. I stood there and watched my dog drift off, as I was the last thing she saw. Knowing I'm the last thing she saw, and not knowing what comes next, what could have been going through her mind, and realizing just how much I took the dog for granted, it hit me hard. It was eerie to go back to the house and open the door, and not see a dog waiting there. When I walked in there was a slight pause in my brain at that realization.

It's a very hard situation to describe. All this thinking about death, what could happen, to actually watch something die as it stares directly in your eyes. It's an image that so far hasn't left my mind even for a moment. And I don't know what to feel about it.

Missed a week

Yeah, a whole week missed. I have valid reason though. I don't have a bedroom right now. Then I spent a while out of state. Now I still don't have a bedroom. I really want my room back.

Last week I had a crummy weekend on duty in crummy weather, we were actually wearing our gortex outfits because of the whole insane hurricanelike storm we had. Of course, we were outside changing batteries and such in that horrid weather. Winds that knocked me off my feet even.

Finally done with the weekend I came home, getting pulled over along the way due to the police officer being a jackass and I basically told him he was tailgating me and driving like a tool and if it was any other person it would be him getting pulled over instead of a the guy in front braking to aggravate him. I don't know how I got away with only a warning. Regardless, I arrive home ready to sit at my computer and relax, but wait! Something is preventing that! My entire basement is flooded with water to my ankles. All of sunday night and monday is spent vacuuming. I don't have a room, as my room is in the basement. I've been sleeping on the floor of my mothers office since a week ago. Fortunately by tuesday I got annoyed and decided to go off to Virginia Beach with best friend.

VABeach was more business than pleasure. Best friend and his other friend that already lives there are both tattoo artists, and the friend there is trying to open a shop, with best friend as co owner or something like that. It really is a great opportunity and his girlfriend even has a spot as shop manager. We went down for the court hearing, it passed 8/8 votes, so the shop will open by next month, and best friend will be moving there. Somewhat a shame that it'll make my life in Jersey a hint more boring, but I think I'm planning on going all the way 6 hours to chill with them each weekend, or at least 2 weekends a month. I just felt so happy there. I really liked it. The atmosphere there was just more enjoyable. Even to just walk around at 2am felt great. It's a shame I just don't have any purpose there like the rest of my friends do. I'm in school here still, I'm stationed even more northeast, and theres not really anything for me down there. It was a little disappointing to know my best friend that I constantly hang out with will be moving on to better things while I'm still here being my normal pointless self.

Girls are not exactly a big success in my life, but I've been trying more and harder. Still not really successful, but I must be honest, I've met someone who's almost perfect. Other than the drugs she's like everything I could want in a girl. I don't really know what it means for her to be in an "open relationship" but that is surely a hinderence also. I don't know what the deal with it is so I don't really know what to do. I need to keep talking to her though. This girl is an opportunity that I couldn't allow myself to lose. Even if I just kept her as a friend, though I doubt I could manage that the way it feels to just see her. Go figure.

Another girl I recently failed with, lets face it she's just really good looking. That sole thing led to me talking to her again too. I forget if I mentioned her in this vlog. Pretty certain I may have but regardless she hasn't mentioned the boyfriend she went back to and I know they weren't exactly going well. I'm not expecting anything to come out of it but I'm talking for the sake of talking to a good looking girl.

I find that taking life as a joke seems to lead to me feeling less miserable, because when something does go wrong, it's simply hilarious. I haven't worried about failure much, and it hasn't been coming because I've basically had an outlook of "eh screw it I'm diving in." I need to keep this up.

Since I still have no room, and the lamp is bothering my mother in the other room, I'm going to cut this short. I'll try and make another post this week to make up for last week, but no promises.

To the point of expectation

Let us add another chapter to the fails which act as building blocks to my life.

As mentioned previously, friday was the day to see a girl. We'll simply refer to her as Girl. The situation was, Friend knows Dude who works with Girl. Friend tells Dude I think Girl is attractive. Dude tells Girl and Girl instantly wants to hang out with us next time we're around. So it seems that Girl was legitimately interested in me. I'll be honest that isn't exactly a frequent situation.

Anywho friday was the day she was going to be coming with Dude. 2 hours late, Friend texts to see what's going on, and apparently Dude's sister who was also being brought along for a tattoo was not available until a certain time. When asked about Girl, he responded, and without me even knowing what was said yet, he burst into laughter and I knew it would be bad news. Apparently, Dude's girfriend... or... ex? was moving to North Carolina in a few days and Girl was moving with her. Very spur of the moment, and I never heard the reasoning and whatnot, but either way Girl wasn't hanging out that day due to packing, and obviously nothing was going to keep going between us considering she'll be moving. Go figure.

This hit me incredibly harder than other failures. I guess because of the girl obviously being into me instead of "well maybe I've got a chance with her" and also because it got extremely hyped for success even compared to my usual over thinking a girl. The realization that the failures aren't met with "damn" but with laughing, shows just how much of a joke life becomes. I don't really know what I could possibly say about the situation and life. Don't get me wrong there is a great amount of things in my head right now, but I just can't put them into words. All I can say is theres not much optimism in these thoughts.

It's just me. If it were any other person, this level of failure would never happen. It's the kind of life where this kind of thing has become the expected. Steve mentioned the Dude's sister, as she's a very attractive girl, and I just feel like no you shouldn't say anything, because if you get the message across to her, something horrible will happen like she'll die or something. That's just the way my luck goes if I have even remote interest, it is destiny to completely fall to peices some way, some how.

On top of that, it sounds to me like Best Friend is going to be moving to Virginia himself rather abruptly. Not as abrupt as girl, but as in we're all going there in a little over a week, and then next month it will most likely be happening. He says it's up in the air, but I'm sure he'll be gone. Then he acts like he'll still see me a bunch, but I know that it's not going to be perfect like he thinks. Either his plans will fall apart, or they'll be well but I just won't see him often. Either way the future is looking quite grim.

Birthdays

Birthdays to me are usually not much more than a reason to clear my inbox 70 times in one day.

I haven't really "celebrated" a birthday in quite some time. It hasn't been a "big thing" since easily before I was in high school. Furthermore, none of them ever fully go "well". For example, extremely recent ex spending time with you on a birthday... while her and her new boyfriend are playing around with ice cubes. Speeding ticket that same day. Just what I want on a day of celebration. Even my 21st birthday, which apparently is supposed to be your most fun, I didn't even have a drink. I went to my recruiter to fail a PFT, got a ticket for using the wrong fare on the subways (the fare I used wasn't valid until 5 minutes after the cop checked my ticket) and then I just watched a movie and went to bed early and miserable.

This birthday wasn't any different really. I had to wake up at 4:30am after a night of excruciating bowel movements only allowed an hour of unconciousness, drive 2 hours in some not quite favorable weather (that's another thing, why is the east coast getting sexually abused with snow so hard lately?) to be there by 7:30, and then a busy day of busywork. We were inspecting humvees that we knew from the accumulation of snow on their hoods had not been touched since we inspected them 6 weeks prior. So we just turned them all on and copied the last monthy inspection. Not good enough, even though there was no differences, we had to go slave every one that didn't start to figure out if it was battery related or alternator related. I'm put in charge of this since so many of these sheets had my name on them. I take control, delegate all the sheets that don't start to my fellow junior Marines, and tell em to find them, slave them, and then figure each out. I'm going around too, and as I'm helping one guy connect the cables he asks me to hold his papers for me. And then we need to move a truck forward to be close enough to start another, and that driver has me hold his. Before I know it, I'm holding all the sheets while everyone else is seeing if they can hit the socket missing a headlight with a snowball. I kept going around trying to situate all I could, and more were joining on the snowball fight until finally there is an all out snowball fight between enlisted and NCOs while I'm still the only one actually finishing this work. Needless to say I get the heat when somethings wrong with one of them now. Go figure. At least I did go meet up with a friend just to get some steam off but it isn't really how I would assume you "celebrate a birthday".

I don't really understand the point of celebrating a birthday. I've felt this need to say, go somewhere special, or see a bunch of friends. But it feels like those urges are only due to that being "the norm" and I don't really see a true reason to treat the day special except for that everyone else does.

Straying away (well, not quite) from the topic of "things that make me abnormal", I may be getting to know a girl soon who apparently may find me attractive. These things are strange to me, as it's really something that just doesn't happen. It's been far longer than I'm willing to admit anonymously on the internet since my last true relationship. Through discussions, I've been finding what is apparently problems with myself which reasons as to why I never have something.

It has been said that I try too hard, but I don't really try enough. Now, I can't even begin to make sense out of that phrase at first, yet after deeper consideration it almost does make sense. When I see a pretty girl, I tend to just not have anything to say. This is primarily because I'm not social to begin with, but also because I don't know what I could possibly say to catch such a woman's intrigue. Should any actually talk to me instead of me initiating conversation, I tend to cling. Because woah, this girl's actually talking to me? Maybe I have a chance." I don't feel like I get too clingy, but usually other obstacles end up getting in the way that causes me to grow frustrated that I'm not succeeding and everything barrel rolls downwards.

A big problem is that any girl who is datable, is already dating. Let's face it, if you're a good looking girl, not even a 10 but even a 7, then chances are you're with someone unless you're a slut in which case you're not with someone but you're still having your fun and I don't quite wish to touch you anyway. Most girls I find myself interested in already have a boyfriend, because any approachable girl has been approached, otherwise she wouldn't be approachable. I couldn't count the number of girls in my life that fell into this category. In fact it's gotten to the point where if I find a girl, and she does not have a boyfriend, there must be a reason why she doesn't. Maybe she's a slut, maybe she's ugly, maybe she's simply a psychopath that murdered their last boyfriend. Either way there's some underlining reason why she isn't with someone, and it's usually something where if I knew the reason I probably wouldn't be with her either.

I must also point out my flaws in that not only am I a social disaster, but I look into things very precisely and learn all that I can. While I consider this a virtue, in the world of love this is apparently a flaw to have at first, even though a woman will complain about you not understanding them throughout the relationship. I've always been one to figure things out, to not bend the truth when giving advice. Let's be honest, when I give advice, sometimes it's harsh, but it's always the truth. Even if I don't know the full situation, as cocky as it makes me sound, I've usually got it figured out, and my advice may not be the followed solution, but it is the correct one. This honesty is such a heavy downfall in the past few women I've talked to. One has horrible relationship problems, unhappy facebook statuses, on and off again, have a good time with me ignoring her nearby boyfriend, then talk privately with the boyfriend to come back distant. I'm not an idiot I can see he's a problem, and then she even admits "I was in a bad mood because of him" Yet when I say that it's dumb for her to get back with him if all they do is fight, that's very "rude" of me and then my chances slowly disintegrate as she continuously says I don't know the situation and he's a sweet guy and she stops talking to me... only for not even a day later to once again be saying how boys suck and such because of whatever stupid thing is going on next. Some of those girls won't ever come back and apologize even if they see I was right, just because.

What would be the inverse of that situation where I spoke my mind and that's the reason why she stops talking to me? Well that would be to not say anything. And by not saying anything, the opportunity is passed up. There is no middle ground for me like most people apparently have. I either keep my thoughts to myself, or I share them. Either way it becomes a catch 22 where theres nothing I can do. People tell me I just need to be myself, but those two halfs are myself in its entirety, at least as far as a social life goes. It's a good thing I'm vaguely decent looking otherwise the few girls I have been with probably never would have happened. I must also admit every girl I've been with I've found through a friend. I never just went to a bar or whatever it is people do now and just started talking to someone. It doesn't feel like anything I would do. However, all of these friends of mine, have run out of friends. Not that there were many friends on that list to begin with. Some of them say "yeah I'm looking for you" "we need to find you a girlfriend" "I'll keep my eyes open at work/school/etc for any girls you might like". They're all empty promises, some friends never try, some claim they look but never find anything. One person ever has actually admitted they tried but seriously have no idea of any existing girl that might actually go well with me, which is basically a sugarcoated "I don't think any girl would date you". Others never mention it but when I ask about any random girl they know it's just "not my type". I don't think there is a such thing as "my type". I sure don't know what it is. Everyone is flawed, and no one imagines the perfect significant other and thinks "okay, so what flaws would I add to her/him?" I'm sure I do have a type, but even I don't know what it is, so how anyone would be able to tell me that every girl on the face of the universe is not this infamous "type" is a mystery.

It may be in my best interest to sleep though. I figure if I appear as a zombie, that won't exactly make me a hunky stud.