Negligence

I've really been negligent with my blog. I've really just not been able to get around to it.

I've moved into a permanent room upstairs, still trying to recover from the basement flood of nearly two months ago. In fact, my basement bedroom currently has portions of wall missing.

Vlog EveryDay April has taken a lot of my free time I spend with the blog. Because I usually don't record anything interesting throughout the day I'm left to talk about whatever to my camera near the end of each night, and by the time I've just finished talking about it I don't really feel like typing about it. I'd like for this blog to get back to the intellectual thoughts it started as instead of talking about my life. I liked it that way. My life isn't that interesting anyway. I just need to have the time to think and be able to remember it by the time I'm at the computer.

I wish I could turn these blogs and youtube things into a way to make money. I don't hope for this as a career or to do only this the rest of my life, but it's something I enjoy and I'd at least like to earn something out of it instead of feeling like doing things I enjoy have no use whatsoever.

I'm going to start going to the gym again. I'm looking forward to that. A few girls have also wound up coming into my apparent social circle. I won't lie. A few of the ones I've met are actually quite cute and the kind of girls I would like to see myself with. However, they also have a habit of being 17 years old and in relationships. Not a surprise. Even the girls my age are all in relationships so it really isn't a shock. I have the opinion that any woman who isn't in a relationship, is not in a relationship for a reason. Whether they're bipolar, want to be single, cheaters, "unclean" or even just plain bitches, if there was nothing wrong with them, they wouldn't be single. They'd be in a relationship like every other normal person. This is what being single in a world full of couples does to the brain.

I'll try updating again tomorrow or something. I feel I owe it to the imaginary people that read this blog.

Time waster

I've been trying a vlog every day in april on my youtube channel. It started okay, but I really just never have anything to say. I've been in a huge rut both in creativity and productivity, and although I'm still uploading something each night, it's really just dumb, and I barely get three views if any. They're not interesting an they're a huge disappointment. I'm still doing them just because I have 15 more to go. I just wish I could think of more to talk about.

I'm having the same problem with my blog it seems. My first posts were interesting, and now it seems I never have enough to say. I just don't have ideas and nothing new happens in my life except more and more epic fails. I don't want to turn this blog into a list of emo rants like it's been becoming. I just need to find inspiration somewhere.

I may attempt trying an online dating site again. I've never met one person and always delete my profile in frustration. I'm hoping for better luck but socializing is just a problem for me. I can hit it off great with a girl that would find me attractive and everything, then we meet in person and she'll never want to contact me again. It happens a lot actually. There's not really a way to just "fix" something like that, so it seems kinda hopeless.

Easter

I can't really say this holiday means anything to me anymore. Miracles and whatnot seem almost unreasonable to think about.

So in a week it will have been a month since I wound up evicted from my bedroom due to natural disaster. I got to be in my room for one day and it flooded again a week ago. I sorta give up. I won't have a bedroom again for a long time.

The girl of my dreams that I felt like basically used me pretty much did. I tried texting her the other day just to talk again after giving her space so she could try and be less bipolar and cold, and when I texted her she didn't even know whose number I was. Talk about a slap to the face. Just goes to show that the girl of your dreams is always going to be just that. A dream. It's had me down because it's made me realize that as much as I desire, I really am not in any way qualified for romance, intimacy, or even conversation. I'm just that guy. Too often do I feel like friends take me for granted as always being that guy, and just knowing me as the guy whos always blunty honest and doesn't have a significant other to cloud his judgement. Everyone is so used to that, considers every remark I say hilarious. It's almost like I'm a joke. But I often feel like they just don't WANT me to even have that change in my life and actually feel something for a change, because then I might actually be happy, and that would change the kind of person I am. I can say I know exactly one person who legitimately tries to get me with girls, but because I'm so underskilled after such a long time, it always leads to failure. At least he tries though.

I feel like all I want to do is sleep as of late because theres nothing for me to do worthwhile while awake. I don't have a room so I have no privacy to do any projects or whatnot. As often as I'm always feeling alone, it drives me insane to not have some time to myself. Maybe I make no sense, but I hate living the way I am right now in nearly all aspects. Mental, emotional, financial, whatever you can think of, it just sort of sucks.

I have started making more videos on youtube at least. I took the opportunity to participate in Vlog Every Day April, which was big last year, but I don't know if anyone other than me is doing it this year. Problem is I really don't do anything with myself so the videos have turned out ridiculously boring as of late. Speaking of, I haven't recorded anything today. I'm gonna need to pull my camera out.