Easter

I can't really say this holiday means anything to me anymore. Miracles and whatnot seem almost unreasonable to think about.

So in a week it will have been a month since I wound up evicted from my bedroom due to natural disaster. I got to be in my room for one day and it flooded again a week ago. I sorta give up. I won't have a bedroom again for a long time.

The girl of my dreams that I felt like basically used me pretty much did. I tried texting her the other day just to talk again after giving her space so she could try and be less bipolar and cold, and when I texted her she didn't even know whose number I was. Talk about a slap to the face. Just goes to show that the girl of your dreams is always going to be just that. A dream. It's had me down because it's made me realize that as much as I desire, I really am not in any way qualified for romance, intimacy, or even conversation. I'm just that guy. Too often do I feel like friends take me for granted as always being that guy, and just knowing me as the guy whos always blunty honest and doesn't have a significant other to cloud his judgement. Everyone is so used to that, considers every remark I say hilarious. It's almost like I'm a joke. But I often feel like they just don't WANT me to even have that change in my life and actually feel something for a change, because then I might actually be happy, and that would change the kind of person I am. I can say I know exactly one person who legitimately tries to get me with girls, but because I'm so underskilled after such a long time, it always leads to failure. At least he tries though.

I feel like all I want to do is sleep as of late because theres nothing for me to do worthwhile while awake. I don't have a room so I have no privacy to do any projects or whatnot. As often as I'm always feeling alone, it drives me insane to not have some time to myself. Maybe I make no sense, but I hate living the way I am right now in nearly all aspects. Mental, emotional, financial, whatever you can think of, it just sort of sucks.

I have started making more videos on youtube at least. I took the opportunity to participate in Vlog Every Day April, which was big last year, but I don't know if anyone other than me is doing it this year. Problem is I really don't do anything with myself so the videos have turned out ridiculously boring as of late. Speaking of, I haven't recorded anything today. I'm gonna need to pull my camera out.