Never Anything to say

It's true. I guess I'm just boring.

Things have been quite busy though, senior project coming to a close, finally joining the Call of Duty band wagon, etc. I took the dog from my ex, because she's been horribly neglected and hasn't had any care for about 6 months now. Now that I have the dog, no need to talk to the ex.

Regardless I'm not really talking to anyone anymore except the best friend. He's even worse in the Call of Duty crazy than I am, even when I go over I just sit on my computer while he plays CoD. I don't mind it though I just like the occasional company instead of my basement of solitude.

I feel too lonely at times, unfortunately. There isn't much I can do about it because there isn't much I can go for. At all. I'm pretty much accepting of the whole "never feel love again" issue, but there's not even the occasional little spark to fizzle out anymore. Shame.

Two Weeks of Solitude

I never got chances to update, I’ve had the house to myself the past two weeks. I must admit I developed a slight drinking problem while sitting by myself here.

Anyway, my friends and I have been on epic adventures, in which my camera was destroyed and I lost all footage of it. I ran into dramas, and I still find myself sitting alone each night. It’s just so universally accepted. A lot of people wish there was something that could be done but it’s just like…. not happening.

In two weeks the Marine Corps Ball comes. My date has been the most flakey headache ever. She doesn’t talk to me for weeks to the point I don’t even know if she’s going or not. Then she talks to me just saying she’s excited about it. But taking the plans and then just stepping all over them. My set in stone plans she’s just not ok with every little part. I want to be at the part where I just say look, I’m just gonna go with someone else. But I can’t do that because I can’t pull a new date out of nowhere. I’m stuck humoring her until I figure out whats going on.

Another game of catchup

 

Damn it, I keep ended up so busy that at the time I plan on blogging, I wind up unable.

So it’s been an interesting two weekends. I’m sort of rekindled an old friendship that was destroyed due to a girl. It’s nice to see it back, and while we had a four man road trip to the Poconos on a complete whim, he finally opened up to us about his break up, as he lost all of his mutual friends with the girl. He lost them all because he wouldn’t tell of the drama, so without any known reasons, they all thought he just looked like a jerk. Learning some of the things that were going on, I almost can’t even believe what he said has happened, but it’s far too detailed and ridiculous for him to have made it up. Unfortunately, this girl, a girl I still care about to an extent, had done things SO horrible that I wouldn’t even dare type them on the internet. That bad.

The girl is still close with my family, and I still care enough to take care of her if she was in trouble, but I can’t even look at her the same really. I wouldn’t even accept her if she had wanted to rekindle me and her suddenly. She seems so caught up in lies as well, I catch it constantly. She would tell me how she’s independent, how she doesn’t need him and he’s the one who’s bothering her and won’t leave her alone, but then I spend time with him and see him happy with his new girlfriend, wanting his ex out of his life, and she’s the one constantly texting him saying “I love you” and trying to surprise him with romantic things. Maybe I should confront her about it to make her feel retarded, but perhaps she’s in a vulnerable enough state already that she doesn’t need a taste of my bluntness on top of it.

Then again, maybe I need to be blunt, because even though I get along with him again now, her obsession is getting in the way of everyone and dragging me into the middle of their drama. I actually had to scold them both on it, because after a second weekend of joking around and going on an adventure, the way only the Four Horsemen could, I shot her a text just to see how she’s been doing, because I had to kidnap him to my other friend’s house so he could avoid her continuously trying to hang out with him. She basically started harassing him once she knew I was home and he still wasn’t, and she began planning something “romantic” for him, or as I like to call it, annoying. I didn’t care but I didn’t want to get into it, I continued playing Civilization.

After a few hours, she says “ok I’m free” because apparently she took “what you been up to” as seeing if she was free to hang out with me? she asked if I wanted to meet somewhere, and I told her I was busy hanging posters so I didn’t know. She decided she wanted to dye her hair, and wanted me to help her pick a color, so without me even answering, I get the “I’m outside” text. Then he starts texting me. She was up his ass, so he told her she needed to stop so he could have fun with himself instead of dealing with her drama. Him telling her that is what sent her to my house without even planning anything with me, and now he’s texting me things like “we can’t let this come between us and it’s going to” He’s the only one letting it get to him I’m not trying anything and I see straight through her to what she’s getting at. She basically was using me to make him jealous after she told him off, just like how last Friday she tried making me think she would stop by at some point so I’d wait at home, and with me at home not hanging out with her obsession, she was free to go there, but we both saw through it and I picked him up leaving her with no one to hang out with.

He begged me while she was over dying her hair to not let her coax me into doing anything with her, because she’s trying to ruin our friendship so she can get back to him. I’m not even doing anything other than watching Top Gear, and it’s becoming annoying to get interrogated and asked if she’s still there and what she’s doing, I told her she needs to stop playing these games that I know she’s trying to do and stop asking me about him or even talking to me about him, and he needs to stop too because his interrogations are just as annoying. I don’t know why I bother keeping friends sometimes, all they do is pull me into their shit I want nothing to do with.

The Ones that Hurt Us

I often wonder what causes us as humans to be so stupid.

I sit here most nights and look at people I know. Look at how often people lie, cheat, steal; it's just their lifestyle. The world has gotten to the point where those are the things that keep society moving. Everything is done for one's own personal gain. The person who invented the wheel did it to make life easier for himself, just as Average Joe Blow steals from his own job to sell things to his boss. He does it to make money because he's underpaid, the boss underpays him because the boss wants the money for himself.

Lies are everywhere you look. Some people tend to think that you have to tell someone something that isn't true to be considered a lie. I find it extends beyond that simple description. If someone say, smokes cigarettes, and does it without you knowing, and you find out when that person didn't want you to, then I consider hiding facts to be no different than lying. Why? I only hid it because I didn't want you to be mad! That's still no good. By hiding your true personality and what makes you you, other people are fooled into thinking you're what you appear to be to them. Your actions lie for you in that case.

So much lying in the world is why I just don't understand relationships. People aren't happy with their significant other, but instead of being honest and saying "babe, I'm not happy", the simple solution for ones own personal gain is to cheat. I could never do such a thing, I'd rather just straight up say "this isn't working out." And be done with it. Worse even is when someone leaves the girl for another girl, but then still tells girl 1 that she's the one and he doesn't want to lose her, and then sleeps with her behind his new girlfriend's back. It baffles me, why even leave the girl in the first place if you're just going to keep being with her behind your new lover's back? I guess we just want to have our cake and eat it too.

Perhaps it's just no matter how much you feel a connection to that one person, that person themselves just does nothing but hurt you. Whether its physical or mental, the one we hold dear to us always seems to hurt the most, and that one is just as untrustworthy as a stranger on the street. Perhaps that one who you know you would drop ANYTHING for at any given moment, actually talks about you to all her friends and you hear nothing but negative things about yourself from said friends, and even things about you that aren't even true. That person still means the world to you through all the bad, but how much can you really trust them when they want nothing to do with you until they need a favor? Just because they know that if they ask you, you'll go all out to help them, just so they can walk all over you after they get what they want. And through all the trash talking, and all of the using, that person still hides things to you and would lie right to your face if you found the truth.

I see this everywhere and will never understand why all people live and act in these ways. Furthermore, when I see and understand this, I wish I could understand why I continue to let these things happen to myself.

Stop it.

damn it

I've been meaning to start this again, but every week I just fall asleep or can't think of a decent topic. I still can't really think of a decent topic.

Regardless, I'm forcing myself to post. I've spent nearly all of my money from the short mission to Mozambique remodeling my basement into almost like my own apartment under the house. It looks amazing. Only halfway finished though. My living room is ready but I got stuck at my room and too much has been going on to continue.

School has sprung in full speed on me, and I find myself already studying for exams. Where did this come from I'm so overworked.

I'm trying to not put any personal things in this such as things about friends or relationships, but my heart grows rather confused about this opportunity that will always be just impossible but I'll always want to achieve. This is the closest success has come in some time, yet there still seems no way to attain what I'd do anything for. I won't get into detail because I don't know what to say without unleashing information I'd rather not share.

Until I have something smarter to say, I'll post again next week.

The Countdown

Not much longer for this training. I have this week, then a 96 (4 day weekend) then one day, then a wakeup and I leave. Good riddance. Missouri is misery.

However, I must say I do prefer my time spent active duty than my time in the civilian world. If I was sent to say, Okinawa or Camp Pendleton I wouldn't mind being active duty. It just feels like that's how it's meant to be. If only college wasn't in my way. I think once I graduate I'm doing everything in my power to be active, even if it means a deployment.

I'm taking this last bit of time here to once again start talking to the people at home, to prepare myself for being back in that lifestyle for a few weeks. I'm not really putting that much concern into girls around here like I was before. I'm still talking to the one but I don't care what happens. My thoughts are on my hometown again. I just wish I could be active duty and still be close to home. Would never happen. All I can do now is finish these last road tests and count the days.

7 tons of updates

Really not as easy to update as I wish.

As said before, I've been in Missouri for training. I passed the Humvee test and am getting used to MTVRs, also called 7 tons. So far I'm at the top of the class with a perfect 100% average. Easy.

I rarely even try contacting my friends at home anymore other than the weekly call to the parents. It's really just so rare to get an answer or get to talk that it's like contacting them is too much effort on my part just to not talk. Very, VERY occasionally I talk to maybe one or two people, but nothing special.

I don't really spend much time in my room, as I don't really like the room mate whos with me from back home. I find myself talking more with a select few people. I even left base for the first time since coming here to get a hotel and party with a few. Still not my cup of tea but at least it's something new.

One of the main reasons I came out this weekend was to talk more with a certain girl. This girl is by no means anything special, but she's got the type of flirt to her that makes me stick around her more, and she needs help understanding the 7 ton so I help her out with that since I understand a lot of it. She is part of this group I went out with, yet they didn't tell her where they were going, basically ditched her because apparently they actually find her annoying and stupid even though she means good. I can see where this comes from, she's very naive and innocent, only just turned 18. I can't say much though since I don't know her too well. Maybe these next few weeks I'll get to though.

I find myself wishing I was active duty. The parts of being sent wherever they need me instead of to a reserve station close to home are an iffy idea, but the idea of waking up at 0430 every day really isn't bad. I exercise a bunch and even though I'm that unmotivated terminal lance corporal, I'm secretly really enjoying active duty life. I'm really kept busy and even though theres nothing to do in missouri I still feel comfortable in the atmosphere of these other PFCs and all in the platoon. I guess theres nothing I can do now, it's already been 2 years I might as well just see where the road takes me.

Nothing

It's what the poor have, the rich want, what's stronger than God, what's worse than Satan.

Sitting here in the middle of nowhere, I barely have heard from anyone lately. The closest of friends may as well be nonexistent, and on small occasion I might exchange a few messages with someone before they go on with their life.

I'm in a rut. Not wanting emotion, because of how much emotion will become upsetting, yet also feeling a sad emptiness over being nothing. No one's really there for me right now, and it's not like I really have problems, but to base my purpose on my friends, and to feel as if there is nothing, I am nothing.

Trust

Every time I find time to log onto this blog, things in life have drastically changed. I'm not at home anymore in New Jersey. I'm currently in Fort Leonard Wood, Missouri. Training in a Motor T instruction platoon. This place is really in the middle of nowhere.

Since there is no life here for me, all that I really have to my life is the lives of those who mean anything to me. Lets consider myself X, and consider Y to be a girl who really means the world to me, who is in a relationship with my good friend Z. Z has been complaining for months, and just before I left he ended their 4 year relationship. Y has been a mess, and caring, I was trying to be there for her, even though I'm now around 2000 miles away. So I'm not there to see what's going on, X says A to Z, Z says B about X to Y, Y says C to X which is completely not what Z was saying to X, but now Y is mad at X over what Z says, Z is mad at Y over what X says, and X is mad at Z over what Y says. The whole alphabet, in turn, explodes into a cluster.

Okay enough analogies. I just care about the girl, and all this time my friend is telling me the girl has plum lost her mind, standing outside his house where he doesn't want to come outside and deal with her, or at least that's what he tells me. It makes me worry about her, and then me worrying about them both and trying to talk and help from this distance any way I can only makes things worse, because according to her things are going better and they talked and are friends again or whatever. I don't know what's actually happening since I'm so far away, so the confusion causes more drama, and then she extremely doesn't trust me because I talk to him. Everything that happens just gets worse and worse for me and no one else.

Is that my purpose maybe? He just says it's because they want to settle things themselves and I want to be concerned. Everyone else doesn't care because they have their own problems to worry about. What do I have to life? Nothing. All I have to my life is the ones that mean most to me. And I don't even care if I'm alive or not as long as I can actually be there for those people. It's my sole purpose in life because my own life really doesn't matter for anything. This was why I preferred just never having emotions or anything. The minute I start to care, or feel anything, my world is the one that goes to trash, and always mine. And the worst part is, it's always all the negative things that get relayed to other people. Any of the positive things such as the way I care or anything that would help someone understand my motives and actions better? That will never be heard by other people. The good just gets lost in everyone else's negativity and I am left an empty shell yet again. Go figure.

Social Life

I spend less and less time on the internet as I spend more and more time socializing.

Socialization has never really been my "thing". However, with a best friend moving away I've broadened my horizons, and I find myself becoming more social. I sit at the Quick Check and people come and go. I've even started sitting there when no one else was there just to pass the time somewhere away from home. It almost feels weird to be social and talk to the people who hang around there.

I even met a few girls. Naturally, by talking about their existence, the universe sets me up for failure. One of them actually works at Quick Check. She has a boyfriend, a fireman in the national guard, I do get along with him, and I have morals that wouldn't let me do anything sneaky, but this girl is the one who's flirty with me, always steals my hat, calls me up to see if I want to keep her company when she gets on break. I'm not even trying yet the girl seems to have taken a liking to me, and vice versa. The only problem is that I feel uncomfortable about it due to her being in a relationship. If this girl happened to be single it would be better, but I don't want these people who are just starting to get to know me to label me with a reputation such as "that guy that tries to get with other people's girls". I already worry enough over my ex spreading that kind of reputation about me when it's not even true.

There is another girl I've met through these new people. Not the best looking girl, but I'd say her personality matches mine. I want to at least get to know her better and see if it could go anywhere, but she doesn't seem talkative to me, and I can't seem to get words out to her. The first girl things flow so naturally, I guess because she actually talks to me, where this girl does not. It sort of strays about in my head over the situation, the pros and cons of each, the posibility of either at all, and just wondering about everything while also taking note of this sudden paradigm shift in my social life. I don't really know what to think, the most basic way to explain my mind right now is where some may follow their heart and follow the one that's making you happy, I haven't used my heart in years, and all I have to go by is logic. Very rarely do logic and emotion match. And I'm left in contemplation while also feeling a little zoned out over it all happening so fast.

Negligence

I've really been negligent with my blog. I've really just not been able to get around to it.

I've moved into a permanent room upstairs, still trying to recover from the basement flood of nearly two months ago. In fact, my basement bedroom currently has portions of wall missing.

Vlog EveryDay April has taken a lot of my free time I spend with the blog. Because I usually don't record anything interesting throughout the day I'm left to talk about whatever to my camera near the end of each night, and by the time I've just finished talking about it I don't really feel like typing about it. I'd like for this blog to get back to the intellectual thoughts it started as instead of talking about my life. I liked it that way. My life isn't that interesting anyway. I just need to have the time to think and be able to remember it by the time I'm at the computer.

I wish I could turn these blogs and youtube things into a way to make money. I don't hope for this as a career or to do only this the rest of my life, but it's something I enjoy and I'd at least like to earn something out of it instead of feeling like doing things I enjoy have no use whatsoever.

I'm going to start going to the gym again. I'm looking forward to that. A few girls have also wound up coming into my apparent social circle. I won't lie. A few of the ones I've met are actually quite cute and the kind of girls I would like to see myself with. However, they also have a habit of being 17 years old and in relationships. Not a surprise. Even the girls my age are all in relationships so it really isn't a shock. I have the opinion that any woman who isn't in a relationship, is not in a relationship for a reason. Whether they're bipolar, want to be single, cheaters, "unclean" or even just plain bitches, if there was nothing wrong with them, they wouldn't be single. They'd be in a relationship like every other normal person. This is what being single in a world full of couples does to the brain.

I'll try updating again tomorrow or something. I feel I owe it to the imaginary people that read this blog.

Time waster

I've been trying a vlog every day in april on my youtube channel. It started okay, but I really just never have anything to say. I've been in a huge rut both in creativity and productivity, and although I'm still uploading something each night, it's really just dumb, and I barely get three views if any. They're not interesting an they're a huge disappointment. I'm still doing them just because I have 15 more to go. I just wish I could think of more to talk about.

I'm having the same problem with my blog it seems. My first posts were interesting, and now it seems I never have enough to say. I just don't have ideas and nothing new happens in my life except more and more epic fails. I don't want to turn this blog into a list of emo rants like it's been becoming. I just need to find inspiration somewhere.

I may attempt trying an online dating site again. I've never met one person and always delete my profile in frustration. I'm hoping for better luck but socializing is just a problem for me. I can hit it off great with a girl that would find me attractive and everything, then we meet in person and she'll never want to contact me again. It happens a lot actually. There's not really a way to just "fix" something like that, so it seems kinda hopeless.

Easter

I can't really say this holiday means anything to me anymore. Miracles and whatnot seem almost unreasonable to think about.

So in a week it will have been a month since I wound up evicted from my bedroom due to natural disaster. I got to be in my room for one day and it flooded again a week ago. I sorta give up. I won't have a bedroom again for a long time.

The girl of my dreams that I felt like basically used me pretty much did. I tried texting her the other day just to talk again after giving her space so she could try and be less bipolar and cold, and when I texted her she didn't even know whose number I was. Talk about a slap to the face. Just goes to show that the girl of your dreams is always going to be just that. A dream. It's had me down because it's made me realize that as much as I desire, I really am not in any way qualified for romance, intimacy, or even conversation. I'm just that guy. Too often do I feel like friends take me for granted as always being that guy, and just knowing me as the guy whos always blunty honest and doesn't have a significant other to cloud his judgement. Everyone is so used to that, considers every remark I say hilarious. It's almost like I'm a joke. But I often feel like they just don't WANT me to even have that change in my life and actually feel something for a change, because then I might actually be happy, and that would change the kind of person I am. I can say I know exactly one person who legitimately tries to get me with girls, but because I'm so underskilled after such a long time, it always leads to failure. At least he tries though.

I feel like all I want to do is sleep as of late because theres nothing for me to do worthwhile while awake. I don't have a room so I have no privacy to do any projects or whatnot. As often as I'm always feeling alone, it drives me insane to not have some time to myself. Maybe I make no sense, but I hate living the way I am right now in nearly all aspects. Mental, emotional, financial, whatever you can think of, it just sort of sucks.

I have started making more videos on youtube at least. I took the opportunity to participate in Vlog Every Day April, which was big last year, but I don't know if anyone other than me is doing it this year. Problem is I really don't do anything with myself so the videos have turned out ridiculously boring as of late. Speaking of, I haven't recorded anything today. I'm gonna need to pull my camera out.

Irony

When you spend two weeks without a bedroom due to flooding, finally move back in, and then the next day it rains and the bedroom floods again. That my friends is irony.

I've been slacking on a lot of things lately because I'm always so swamped with work. I feel like I can do something good as far as youtube is going. I recall before I was really making videos at all, maybe I had one vlog and some lets play stuff, but I remember something called VEDA, or Vlog Every Day April. Ended up causing me to find at least one or two of the youtubers I'm now subscribed to. I may actually try this. I'm not entirely positive though, as I really don't do enough to warrant a video every day. I'll try though I think. Also going to most likely record each video a day in advance, so I can just edit and update at night. Well, if a video shows up in my inbox tomorrow, that answers the question.

In other news, my faith in the female gender fades ever so thinner. That absolutely perfect seeming girl might just be the biggest bitch to me. With people who aren't me she's just great, and I know she would get along with me amazingly. However, she seems to just have this wall up when it comes to me. I can't get in, I can't even get conversation out of her. It's disappointing to think maybe I said something at some point that got her to dislike me, or maybe she's just not interested, or maybe she doesn't give the slightest care about me whatsoever, and might just care to use me as an "if all else fails and I need to get out of the house" option, which I feel like she pretty much did. It hurts the most to look at her and know that not to sound cocky, but I really think I would be perfect for her, especially with all the problems she has.

Should I move on? Everyone thinks so. But I look at this one and I just can't. It's so much different than every other girl to stray into my life for me to fail with.

Death

I must admit it is an interesting subject. Today was surely one of the more difficult days in my life.

This morning when I woke up my mother told me the dog's legs gave out and she just physically could not get back up. We brought her water and she drank it laying down. She tried to move and her whole bladder would empty. We kinda all knew it was time.

This dog has been around almost as long as I have. She was just about 18 years old, which for a golden retreiver is insane. I'm pretty sure they're expected to live 10-12 years. I've had this dog since I was 6, so although I didn't pay that much attention to her, it was just something that was always there. I took that for granted.

So back to today, the dog was laying on the floor in the exact same spot all day, couldn't get up. Interesting that she went out into the living room, because she's usually in my mothers room and when she woke up the dog was already laying out there unable to get up. I kinda feel like the dog sorta knew it was time to. I don't know if the way a dog thinks is anything similar to the way a human thinks, but if so I wondered to myself what could be going through the dogs mind as she just laid there. She wasn't panicking, wasn't struggling. She was just laying there calm. Could she have understood and accepted?

We carried her to the car and that's when she was scared. The dog didn't like car rides, ever. She would usually shake a bit, pant a lot, just nerves. This car ride was a completely different kind of shaking, and when we took her out of the car and put her on the table at the vet, it still didn't start. The dog wasn't nervous like a car ride. She made eye contact with me and I could actually see and understand straight fear in her. I never thought of animals to really have the thinking capacity that humans do, but looking in her cloudy cataract covered eyes I really wondered. She was terrified. Did she know that it was time? Was she afraid because she didn't know what would happen next? I don't know how she could know, the dogs never seen another die. Or seen any death, except for the occasional bird back when she was younger, but back then she didn't seem to understand. She'd drop the bird and just nudge it, not sure why it was limp. I don't know maybe the dog was just scared because she didn't know why she couldn't stand, but if that were the case she wouldn't have been so calm at the house for hours unable to stand.

I normally don't experience emotions. I don't see death as sad, especially because a majority of the time death comes naturally and it means it's just time to go, if you're old enough to die naturally then living even longer is in no way beneficial, you'd be physically a mess and it's always for the best to just let it happen instead of doing what you can to prolong life. But my mother was crying, even my father was choked out. Even my sort of sister was crying a little. I didn't quite cry, with the shivers and the bawling and all of that, but there were tears when she was given the sedative. She was still shaking, still scared. She started getting calmer, and as I stood while her body was going limp, she looked at me, and her eyes slowly closed. I stood there and watched my dog drift off, as I was the last thing she saw. Knowing I'm the last thing she saw, and not knowing what comes next, what could have been going through her mind, and realizing just how much I took the dog for granted, it hit me hard. It was eerie to go back to the house and open the door, and not see a dog waiting there. When I walked in there was a slight pause in my brain at that realization.

It's a very hard situation to describe. All this thinking about death, what could happen, to actually watch something die as it stares directly in your eyes. It's an image that so far hasn't left my mind even for a moment. And I don't know what to feel about it.

Missed a week

Yeah, a whole week missed. I have valid reason though. I don't have a bedroom right now. Then I spent a while out of state. Now I still don't have a bedroom. I really want my room back.

Last week I had a crummy weekend on duty in crummy weather, we were actually wearing our gortex outfits because of the whole insane hurricanelike storm we had. Of course, we were outside changing batteries and such in that horrid weather. Winds that knocked me off my feet even.

Finally done with the weekend I came home, getting pulled over along the way due to the police officer being a jackass and I basically told him he was tailgating me and driving like a tool and if it was any other person it would be him getting pulled over instead of a the guy in front braking to aggravate him. I don't know how I got away with only a warning. Regardless, I arrive home ready to sit at my computer and relax, but wait! Something is preventing that! My entire basement is flooded with water to my ankles. All of sunday night and monday is spent vacuuming. I don't have a room, as my room is in the basement. I've been sleeping on the floor of my mothers office since a week ago. Fortunately by tuesday I got annoyed and decided to go off to Virginia Beach with best friend.

VABeach was more business than pleasure. Best friend and his other friend that already lives there are both tattoo artists, and the friend there is trying to open a shop, with best friend as co owner or something like that. It really is a great opportunity and his girlfriend even has a spot as shop manager. We went down for the court hearing, it passed 8/8 votes, so the shop will open by next month, and best friend will be moving there. Somewhat a shame that it'll make my life in Jersey a hint more boring, but I think I'm planning on going all the way 6 hours to chill with them each weekend, or at least 2 weekends a month. I just felt so happy there. I really liked it. The atmosphere there was just more enjoyable. Even to just walk around at 2am felt great. It's a shame I just don't have any purpose there like the rest of my friends do. I'm in school here still, I'm stationed even more northeast, and theres not really anything for me down there. It was a little disappointing to know my best friend that I constantly hang out with will be moving on to better things while I'm still here being my normal pointless self.

Girls are not exactly a big success in my life, but I've been trying more and harder. Still not really successful, but I must be honest, I've met someone who's almost perfect. Other than the drugs she's like everything I could want in a girl. I don't really know what it means for her to be in an "open relationship" but that is surely a hinderence also. I don't know what the deal with it is so I don't really know what to do. I need to keep talking to her though. This girl is an opportunity that I couldn't allow myself to lose. Even if I just kept her as a friend, though I doubt I could manage that the way it feels to just see her. Go figure.

Another girl I recently failed with, lets face it she's just really good looking. That sole thing led to me talking to her again too. I forget if I mentioned her in this vlog. Pretty certain I may have but regardless she hasn't mentioned the boyfriend she went back to and I know they weren't exactly going well. I'm not expecting anything to come out of it but I'm talking for the sake of talking to a good looking girl.

I find that taking life as a joke seems to lead to me feeling less miserable, because when something does go wrong, it's simply hilarious. I haven't worried about failure much, and it hasn't been coming because I've basically had an outlook of "eh screw it I'm diving in." I need to keep this up.

Since I still have no room, and the lamp is bothering my mother in the other room, I'm going to cut this short. I'll try and make another post this week to make up for last week, but no promises.

To the point of expectation

Let us add another chapter to the fails which act as building blocks to my life.

As mentioned previously, friday was the day to see a girl. We'll simply refer to her as Girl. The situation was, Friend knows Dude who works with Girl. Friend tells Dude I think Girl is attractive. Dude tells Girl and Girl instantly wants to hang out with us next time we're around. So it seems that Girl was legitimately interested in me. I'll be honest that isn't exactly a frequent situation.

Anywho friday was the day she was going to be coming with Dude. 2 hours late, Friend texts to see what's going on, and apparently Dude's sister who was also being brought along for a tattoo was not available until a certain time. When asked about Girl, he responded, and without me even knowing what was said yet, he burst into laughter and I knew it would be bad news. Apparently, Dude's girfriend... or... ex? was moving to North Carolina in a few days and Girl was moving with her. Very spur of the moment, and I never heard the reasoning and whatnot, but either way Girl wasn't hanging out that day due to packing, and obviously nothing was going to keep going between us considering she'll be moving. Go figure.

This hit me incredibly harder than other failures. I guess because of the girl obviously being into me instead of "well maybe I've got a chance with her" and also because it got extremely hyped for success even compared to my usual over thinking a girl. The realization that the failures aren't met with "damn" but with laughing, shows just how much of a joke life becomes. I don't really know what I could possibly say about the situation and life. Don't get me wrong there is a great amount of things in my head right now, but I just can't put them into words. All I can say is theres not much optimism in these thoughts.

It's just me. If it were any other person, this level of failure would never happen. It's the kind of life where this kind of thing has become the expected. Steve mentioned the Dude's sister, as she's a very attractive girl, and I just feel like no you shouldn't say anything, because if you get the message across to her, something horrible will happen like she'll die or something. That's just the way my luck goes if I have even remote interest, it is destiny to completely fall to peices some way, some how.

On top of that, it sounds to me like Best Friend is going to be moving to Virginia himself rather abruptly. Not as abrupt as girl, but as in we're all going there in a little over a week, and then next month it will most likely be happening. He says it's up in the air, but I'm sure he'll be gone. Then he acts like he'll still see me a bunch, but I know that it's not going to be perfect like he thinks. Either his plans will fall apart, or they'll be well but I just won't see him often. Either way the future is looking quite grim.

Birthdays

Birthdays to me are usually not much more than a reason to clear my inbox 70 times in one day.

I haven't really "celebrated" a birthday in quite some time. It hasn't been a "big thing" since easily before I was in high school. Furthermore, none of them ever fully go "well". For example, extremely recent ex spending time with you on a birthday... while her and her new boyfriend are playing around with ice cubes. Speeding ticket that same day. Just what I want on a day of celebration. Even my 21st birthday, which apparently is supposed to be your most fun, I didn't even have a drink. I went to my recruiter to fail a PFT, got a ticket for using the wrong fare on the subways (the fare I used wasn't valid until 5 minutes after the cop checked my ticket) and then I just watched a movie and went to bed early and miserable.

This birthday wasn't any different really. I had to wake up at 4:30am after a night of excruciating bowel movements only allowed an hour of unconciousness, drive 2 hours in some not quite favorable weather (that's another thing, why is the east coast getting sexually abused with snow so hard lately?) to be there by 7:30, and then a busy day of busywork. We were inspecting humvees that we knew from the accumulation of snow on their hoods had not been touched since we inspected them 6 weeks prior. So we just turned them all on and copied the last monthy inspection. Not good enough, even though there was no differences, we had to go slave every one that didn't start to figure out if it was battery related or alternator related. I'm put in charge of this since so many of these sheets had my name on them. I take control, delegate all the sheets that don't start to my fellow junior Marines, and tell em to find them, slave them, and then figure each out. I'm going around too, and as I'm helping one guy connect the cables he asks me to hold his papers for me. And then we need to move a truck forward to be close enough to start another, and that driver has me hold his. Before I know it, I'm holding all the sheets while everyone else is seeing if they can hit the socket missing a headlight with a snowball. I kept going around trying to situate all I could, and more were joining on the snowball fight until finally there is an all out snowball fight between enlisted and NCOs while I'm still the only one actually finishing this work. Needless to say I get the heat when somethings wrong with one of them now. Go figure. At least I did go meet up with a friend just to get some steam off but it isn't really how I would assume you "celebrate a birthday".

I don't really understand the point of celebrating a birthday. I've felt this need to say, go somewhere special, or see a bunch of friends. But it feels like those urges are only due to that being "the norm" and I don't really see a true reason to treat the day special except for that everyone else does.

Straying away (well, not quite) from the topic of "things that make me abnormal", I may be getting to know a girl soon who apparently may find me attractive. These things are strange to me, as it's really something that just doesn't happen. It's been far longer than I'm willing to admit anonymously on the internet since my last true relationship. Through discussions, I've been finding what is apparently problems with myself which reasons as to why I never have something.

It has been said that I try too hard, but I don't really try enough. Now, I can't even begin to make sense out of that phrase at first, yet after deeper consideration it almost does make sense. When I see a pretty girl, I tend to just not have anything to say. This is primarily because I'm not social to begin with, but also because I don't know what I could possibly say to catch such a woman's intrigue. Should any actually talk to me instead of me initiating conversation, I tend to cling. Because woah, this girl's actually talking to me? Maybe I have a chance." I don't feel like I get too clingy, but usually other obstacles end up getting in the way that causes me to grow frustrated that I'm not succeeding and everything barrel rolls downwards.

A big problem is that any girl who is datable, is already dating. Let's face it, if you're a good looking girl, not even a 10 but even a 7, then chances are you're with someone unless you're a slut in which case you're not with someone but you're still having your fun and I don't quite wish to touch you anyway. Most girls I find myself interested in already have a boyfriend, because any approachable girl has been approached, otherwise she wouldn't be approachable. I couldn't count the number of girls in my life that fell into this category. In fact it's gotten to the point where if I find a girl, and she does not have a boyfriend, there must be a reason why she doesn't. Maybe she's a slut, maybe she's ugly, maybe she's simply a psychopath that murdered their last boyfriend. Either way there's some underlining reason why she isn't with someone, and it's usually something where if I knew the reason I probably wouldn't be with her either.

I must also point out my flaws in that not only am I a social disaster, but I look into things very precisely and learn all that I can. While I consider this a virtue, in the world of love this is apparently a flaw to have at first, even though a woman will complain about you not understanding them throughout the relationship. I've always been one to figure things out, to not bend the truth when giving advice. Let's be honest, when I give advice, sometimes it's harsh, but it's always the truth. Even if I don't know the full situation, as cocky as it makes me sound, I've usually got it figured out, and my advice may not be the followed solution, but it is the correct one. This honesty is such a heavy downfall in the past few women I've talked to. One has horrible relationship problems, unhappy facebook statuses, on and off again, have a good time with me ignoring her nearby boyfriend, then talk privately with the boyfriend to come back distant. I'm not an idiot I can see he's a problem, and then she even admits "I was in a bad mood because of him" Yet when I say that it's dumb for her to get back with him if all they do is fight, that's very "rude" of me and then my chances slowly disintegrate as she continuously says I don't know the situation and he's a sweet guy and she stops talking to me... only for not even a day later to once again be saying how boys suck and such because of whatever stupid thing is going on next. Some of those girls won't ever come back and apologize even if they see I was right, just because.

What would be the inverse of that situation where I spoke my mind and that's the reason why she stops talking to me? Well that would be to not say anything. And by not saying anything, the opportunity is passed up. There is no middle ground for me like most people apparently have. I either keep my thoughts to myself, or I share them. Either way it becomes a catch 22 where theres nothing I can do. People tell me I just need to be myself, but those two halfs are myself in its entirety, at least as far as a social life goes. It's a good thing I'm vaguely decent looking otherwise the few girls I have been with probably never would have happened. I must also admit every girl I've been with I've found through a friend. I never just went to a bar or whatever it is people do now and just started talking to someone. It doesn't feel like anything I would do. However, all of these friends of mine, have run out of friends. Not that there were many friends on that list to begin with. Some of them say "yeah I'm looking for you" "we need to find you a girlfriend" "I'll keep my eyes open at work/school/etc for any girls you might like". They're all empty promises, some friends never try, some claim they look but never find anything. One person ever has actually admitted they tried but seriously have no idea of any existing girl that might actually go well with me, which is basically a sugarcoated "I don't think any girl would date you". Others never mention it but when I ask about any random girl they know it's just "not my type". I don't think there is a such thing as "my type". I sure don't know what it is. Everyone is flawed, and no one imagines the perfect significant other and thinks "okay, so what flaws would I add to her/him?" I'm sure I do have a type, but even I don't know what it is, so how anyone would be able to tell me that every girl on the face of the universe is not this infamous "type" is a mystery.

It may be in my best interest to sleep though. I figure if I appear as a zombie, that won't exactly make me a hunky stud.

Goals so far

Well, since the semester started, my keeping track of goals has quickly faded.

The waking up early part I'm no longer bothering to keep track of, because I need to wake up at 6 nearly every day now regardless. Likewise I haven't drank with the exceptions of with the Marines and one... event. I've yet to learn to cook as the kitchen is being remodeled and for the past month and a half there has been no kitchen to cook with. I'm enjoying the video editing and my friend and I have another youtube project in the works, which hopefully will go well. The blogs I will hopefully do more. I'm giving myself a goal of one per week, either on a wednesday or a sunday.

Things have just generally been busy. I'm actually doing good in school so far because I'm putting all my focus into it. The weather has been a pain all month. I was pleased that it rained the other day and melted a lot of the snow that's been on the ground for weeks. I actually was beginning to forget what the grass even looked like.

This may be one of my most unfortunate birthdays. Not that I celebrate my birthday for the most part, as my celebrations usually don't go well. But this specific birthday I'll be on military duty all weekend. The birthday is saturday and I'll be 3 hours away from friends from friday until sunday. Lucky me. Oh well, 23 isn't special anyway.

Although I wanted to work on my self development without focusing on my lack of lovelife, in hope that when I'm bettering myself and happy (which for the most part I have been) that my lovelife will spark up by itself. However, I still get these spurts of loneliness, and still strongly desire that feeling again. An improvement is that I'm actually making some attempts (not all but some). Nothing's successful of course. Too many of the women that appear and disappear from my life already have their significant other. It's a shame when I'm a better guy and the girl sounds miserable due to situations, yet still chooses him and gets offended when I'm honest enough to say the guy is worthless. I can't help if I'm honest. There just comes points where I'm not going to beat around the bush on something like that. A last ditch effort maybe? I don't know but even making attempts things are still hopeless. I've also noticed the girls I find attractive aren't my type when it comes to personality, too much of a partier, stoner, liar, shady, why must all the pretty girls have those traits? Oh well. Maybe I need to try for a girl with parental issues and suicidal tendencies. Seems if I won one of those over they'd at least be clingy with me.

The Four Lenses

Yes, I get it. I never update. I'm really busy. The only reason I managed to scrounge up the time tonight is because of this blizzard canceling classes so I have a bit extra time that I don't necessarily need to sleep during like normally.

Unlike I promised, I just can't get into enough detail about the four lenses personality test without just copying the whole booklet I have, I may put a video of it on youtube, either way I invite everyone to read into it. It was one of the most interesting things I've read as far as personality goes. However, I will say a little about it.

The Four Lenses is a personality test based on 4 cards, each with a collage of pictures on them. You order the cards from most to least appealing based on the pictures, and then you flip them over to the descriptions and reorder them again in what descriptions appeals to you the most. Usually the rankings prove at least somewhat similar, or you could find that maybe what visually appeals to your personality could even be different than how you describe yourself. Theres then a survey where you rank 4 choices in a series of questions strongest to weakest like you. Those, along with the preference rankings between the pictures and descriptions create a total score knowing just which of the four colors you truly resemble, whether you thought you did or not.

I happened to closest resemble Green, as I predicted. Green typically uses intuition for information and tends to think to process information. It is actually the rarest of the four. They're based on logic and intellectualism.

Second for me was Blue. Blue is also intuitive, but bases their information processing through feelings. Blue ones tend to be good parents I guess. They're good at figuring people out as opposed to figuring out logic. Very interesting that I'm this secondly. It means that I'm entirely intellectual, but I use both sides of my brain very close to equally. Most other people I saw take this tended to be mostly one side of the brain, like either an extreme of the four, or two intellectual quarters, etc.

Third is Gold. I would consider gold to be obsessive compulsive. They're sensible rather than intuitive, and base things largely on organization. Lastly for me was orange. They tend to be the wild ones. They make their decisions without thinking through, and are the most likely to wind up in jail apparently. I don't understand much about these two, they were very weak for me. They're based on their senses where my stronger two are intellectual.

I strongly recommend anyone interested to look into it, and see what they feel about themselves through it.

Talk about busy

Well, now that the semester has begun, I feel like I can barely get a chance to sit down unless I'm going to sleep. I've been really overworked the past week, but at the same time it feels rewarding and I find myself feeling happier than otherwise.

My entire sleep schedule has been destroyed, as when 6am used to be when to call it a night, I find it's now become the time to wake up because of my morning commute with early classes. I feel like the commute gives me more of a sense of responsibility as opposed to dorming. When living in a dorm I could just come back from class, play some video games, and sleep. Now it's more like a job, where I wake up, drive there, do what I have to do, come back and do more work. I have to admit though, I like the feeling.

On top of the classes beginning, my mother is also having her kitchen remodeled. My father and I are both engineers. He's 65 with high blood pressure and a bad temper. Guess who's been doing most of the work? As soon as I get home from class, feeling happy, feeling like I can sit down in front of the computer and relax, I walk in the door and "oh great you're here I really need your help with this it'll only be an hour". Of course, by "hour" we really mean I end up working from the moment I get home until dinner. So in total it's about 12 hours of busy work a day, and then by the time I can sit down I'm exhausted to the point where nothing gets done except for staring at youtube for an hour and then trying to catch up on a lack of sleep. I haven't ever felt this overworked outside of the military, but at the same time, I also like the feeling. These responsibilities and reliabilities falling on me are destroying me and exhausting me, but this feeling of accomplishment and happiness is something that really doesn't fall into my life often. I might be falling behind on my daily habits such as downloading the newest tv shows or playing video games, but I might milk this feeling of usefulness as much as I can, or at least until it kills me.

Speaking of military, I was on duty this weekend and it was actually enjoyable as well. Some of the NCOs have made me the first Junior Marine to ever be invited for drinks with them. And although I dislike drinking, and dislike beer even moreso, I had a good time socializing with them and watching the football game at the bar. It makes me feel good that some people are around my station that I get along with, even if they do outrank me. Most of the people around my rank just annoy me, especially one specific one with the "I'm hot stuff" attitude who will treat whoever he wants like garbage and try and stick himself into whatever woman he can. Even the way that one walks and his general posture disgusts me, but he is in fact a good Marine, no matter how shitty a person I consider him. It's just an enjoyment for the higher ups to consider an antisocial guy like me better for them to invite out for drinks than Mr P.T. Stud.

Furthermore with the Marines, we had a class recently that really has nothing to do with the military, but they thought it would be helpful from a mental standpoint to have a little fun for a change and learn something about the Four Lenses. I found it really interesting and the next time I blog it will be about that. As for now though I should be sleeping, wakeup time in a few hours

Loneliness

Loneliness. A feeling that comes all to frequently. It always comes and goes like phases of the moon, or even a menstruation cycle. And it's a feeling that practically defines life for me.

As far back as memories can even go, I spent most of my time by myself. Even my early childhood would have me sitting quietly in the basement building with Legos or playing with colorforms. I didn't care as much for riding bikes or playing with friends. In fact my childhood didn't really have much as far as friends, I had maybe one up till when I was 8 or 9. And then the few more friends I gained were all so distant in my eyes that after I went to high school I never really talked to any of them again.

High school I guess is when I actually started getting legitimate friends, friends I still talk to today. High school also brought my first interest in girls. Before that sure I thought girls were pretty, and like every other preteen boy I was looking at dirty magazines and all that which isn't necessary to get into detail about. But then a girl thought I was cute I guess, and I decided to go for it and get that "first kiss" where my life changed and girls were suddenly the only thing I could think about.

Now I'm in college. I should be done with it but sometimes Engineering winds up taking a bit more than 4 years. I still keep the closer friends I made in high school, and some friends I've made after high school too. I still don't have a lot of friends, I'm just not that kind of socialite. I much prefer to have those few individuals you can count on with your life than a multitude of idiots you don't actually trust. Even with these close friends I still need time to just be by myself, as I always have. I just can't take always having people around. There is a difference now in comparison to my childhood however. Because this social world collided with my little bubble back when, I can't handle complete solitude the way I used to. Even when I still prefer being by myself, I need to occasionally get it all out, be with at least one other person just to actually remember how it feels to need to speak to make communication.

I don't completely understand the cravings for social interaction. It's something I never needed growing up, but now that I'm grown I need to do it at least every few days, like giving water to a plant. I continue to prefer solitude, yet without this social "water" my brain begins to wilt.I sometimes think I see the social world as an experiment. While I do have those few friends I count on, when I'm with them and the group of people becomes larger, I tend to not speak. I feel like I don't need to, and conversation seems to go so fluently that I never really find a particular moment that feels right to add something to. I much prefer staying quiet in these situations, because one thing I've always been good at my whole life is observation, and that's just what I do while everyone else is talking. I like to watch everyone talk. I see how people react to different topics, I see body language and figure out their thoughts based on it. I gain more understanding for people from watching them interact and figuring them out than I do from interacting with them myself. It's like they're my own little science projects.

As much as I enjoy observing how people work mentally, to the point where I can understand how and why things effect each person the way they do, I've sort of strayed off from the original topic, loneliness. As much of a loner I prefer to be, the feeling of love is the biggest puzzle of all. A puzzle that I once thought I had solved, yet was so long ago that I don't remember if I really did or not, or what the solution even may be. I don't remember what it feels like to be in love, if love even really does exist. I often wonder if it does, because anyone who says they're in love, can have their love life come to an end, and then realize they were mistaken, but you don't realize this mistake until after it ends, so how could you know you're in love, if no matter how much you believe so, you could easily just be wrong? It's something I don't understand.

I try to understand it, because every single friend I hold close to me has a significant other. Boyfriend, girlfriend, fiance, you know the deal. I haven't had a girl to hold in close to 4 years, and sometimes I see these friends kissing goodnight, cuddling during a movie, arguing, traveling somewhere together. It's all feelings that I can't relate to anymore due to forgetting over a length of time. Seeing this possible love between people, whether it's my close friends or complete strangers, will occasionally depress me, if only because it's the one thing I don't have a vague understanding of, and that I can't remember what holding someone would feel like. What you would feel not only in your mind, but in that strange little thing we call a soul, when that special someone looks into your eyes, lays her head on your shoulder during a movie, or even keeps warm in your arms during sleep. The lack of memory over time and lack of understanding because of it is just depressing, and this is the dreaded feeling of loneliness that veers overhead as if it were a curse. There's nothing that I can do to just understand. Instead I just lay in bed holding my pillow, wondering what it might have felt like when I wasn't the only one laying here.

Is this that Swine Flu I've been hearing about?

Go figure the day I plan on getting started on my self development, I wind up dreadfully sick.

I don't know exactly what I have. It wasn't pleasant to move, and I ended up sleeping about 16 hours total. After doing so while sweating it all out, I feel much better, except for all of the stuff that I need to cough out all day today.

Since I didn't actually do anything today besides watch some top gear and continue recovering, I suppose I could talk about my goals as of now towards self development. A habit I have always had was thinking long term, thinking about the big picture of things. Some things this can be considered good, such as strategy games or even real life things such as what the higher ups worry about in the military. However, for an individual human being you can't be 100% big picture. It's neccessary to think of the small picture, otherwise going from what you are now to what you'd like to be seems hopeless if not impossible. So the first thing I need to do is take into consideration smaller things I'd like to improve on.

First off, I wouldn't say I'm an active youtuber, but I make videos every now and then. Some with my flip cam showing every day life, and some showing video game footage with commentary. It may not be entirely useful, or depending on the open mindedness of the reader maybe it is. It's something I enjoy doing, and not that I have many subscribers yet, but on the occasion that I get a comment or a rating, whether positive or negative, it means someone actually felt my video was meaningful enough to deserve some attention. So when I see someone comment, especially if they enjoy my work, it makes me feel like I actually make a difference, if at least to one person. It makes the hobby feel all the more passionate, and I plan to become more active with this hobby, keeping track of how often I do it and awarding myself points as an overall daily score of positive and negative things.

As far as health goes, I am not nor have I ever been overweight. I'm pretty sure it's not actually possible. I have however, been quite scrawny in appearance, the lacks of confidence throughout my life felt more visible as I was the skinny quiet kid standing there with a slouch throughout most of my life. I do have a military lifestyle though, even if it is only through the Reserves. I've begun to notice I don't have the same motivated feelings I used to when I first came home from boot camp. I came back actually fit instead of just thin. I even had slight detail to my abs. I've gotten lazier though especially during this past semester of school stress, so it's time to be healthy again. To start I need to exercise again, because I couldn't think of how long it's been since I last did so for myself instead of due to discipline. I'm not talking about going to a gym or running a triathlon, but at least to start a series of pushups and situps per day. I'm thinking 100 of each is a reasonable daily workout that I can pull off before going to sleep. And next up as much as exercise is a necessity to be healthy, so it what I eat. There had been points over the fall semester where I would eat nothing but tacos for an entire week because Taco Bell was right there. The junk food needs to be reduced. I can't do much about what I eat because I can't cook, but the very least I could do is put more fruits into my diet. I usually could live off just burgers and nothing more, so perhaps adding fruit into my system again will not only make me look healthier, but help me feel healthier as well.

Speaking of how I can't cook. Maybe it's time to learn. Spending as long as I have by myself, I've become very self sufficient through most of my life. So why can't I cook? That is one of the biggest things to being self sufficient. I often joke how I need to find a wife so I could have a good meal again, but really who knows when this wife will appear. I could be well into my 30s, I can't in good conscience allow myself to rot away anymore, it's time I learn for myself. I can't imagine I'd do well at first, or that I'd be preparing a fillet mignon, but I should at least start learning to make basic things to myself so I don't have to resort to a microwave my entire life.

I suppose that's enough ideas to list for now. I'm still a slight bit sick, so being up this late is taking a lot out of me. I think I'm going to meditate before I go to sleep, meditation being another goal of which I want to do more, so that I can feel more pure and healthy mentally as well as physically. I'm still attempting to find more smaller goals to keep track of, as well as some negative ideas such as fast food or alcohol to allow less of in my live. If anyone has any ideas, I'd love to hear. If I like them they'll even be put into practice. I'm looking at things with an open mind.

New Year, New Decade, New Blog

So then, 2010. Do we call that two thousand ten? Twenty-ten? what about how we called 2009 "'09" as in "oh nine"? Do we just abreviate this year as Ten? I don't know.

Anyway, why start a blog? Well, I used to have an online journal type thing back in high school. The stupid typical high school angst that we today look at as if we must have lost our minds at that age. I'm not looking to make a blog like that again. Instead I'm making a blog about my thoughts. There's only one person I know who I feel I can discuss things with intellectually, yet sometimes I feel like my feelings and ideas could have more value than just a talk with a friend. Maybe I'll want to remember these thoughts one day. Perhaps some random person will come across my blog and become inspired by it, or have an opinion on one of my opinions, adding more open mindedness to my thoughts. We'll see what happens.

So New Year's resolution. Should I do what I've done every year for the last four years, and make it a goal to find a girlfriend? No, I'm tired of not succeeding. Let's put a resolution together that I can actually work towards and succeed with. Self Development. I can't say I've been the happiest person in the world, especially throughout "oh nine." I've slowly been deteriorating into an empty shell of a human being, wondering if I even have a soul anymore, and never even having the motivation to get out of bed, because what could possibly go right if I bother waking up? It's time to change that, because the only way I'm going to get anywhere in life is to unfuck myself.

Instead of this being a one track goal, it's multiple goals all stuffed together. Anything I can possibly to do better myself, I want to do. Anything that I feel I need to stop with or at least do less of, I want to stop. I won't succeed at every single minute detail, but I will succeed in some, and a success in some is a success in general, so it's already a plus in comparison to the girlfriend resolution. Yes I still want a girlfriend, but when I've dug myself into such a deep hole where I don't even know what "emotion" really is, then it's time to change my priorities. The possibility of love, whether it exists or not, can wait. It sure won't come running to me now, but if I better myself, I'll actually feel happy again, whatever that feels like. When I'm happy with myself and I'm a better person in any ways, I won't need to worry about a lack of love, it'll find me, because it'll be attracted to my success and my lifestyle. And if love turns out to be nonexistant like I often ponder, then oh well. At least I'm a better person in the end either way.