Birthdays

Birthdays to me are usually not much more than a reason to clear my inbox 70 times in one day.

I haven't really "celebrated" a birthday in quite some time. It hasn't been a "big thing" since easily before I was in high school. Furthermore, none of them ever fully go "well". For example, extremely recent ex spending time with you on a birthday... while her and her new boyfriend are playing around with ice cubes. Speeding ticket that same day. Just what I want on a day of celebration. Even my 21st birthday, which apparently is supposed to be your most fun, I didn't even have a drink. I went to my recruiter to fail a PFT, got a ticket for using the wrong fare on the subways (the fare I used wasn't valid until 5 minutes after the cop checked my ticket) and then I just watched a movie and went to bed early and miserable.

This birthday wasn't any different really. I had to wake up at 4:30am after a night of excruciating bowel movements only allowed an hour of unconciousness, drive 2 hours in some not quite favorable weather (that's another thing, why is the east coast getting sexually abused with snow so hard lately?) to be there by 7:30, and then a busy day of busywork. We were inspecting humvees that we knew from the accumulation of snow on their hoods had not been touched since we inspected them 6 weeks prior. So we just turned them all on and copied the last monthy inspection. Not good enough, even though there was no differences, we had to go slave every one that didn't start to figure out if it was battery related or alternator related. I'm put in charge of this since so many of these sheets had my name on them. I take control, delegate all the sheets that don't start to my fellow junior Marines, and tell em to find them, slave them, and then figure each out. I'm going around too, and as I'm helping one guy connect the cables he asks me to hold his papers for me. And then we need to move a truck forward to be close enough to start another, and that driver has me hold his. Before I know it, I'm holding all the sheets while everyone else is seeing if they can hit the socket missing a headlight with a snowball. I kept going around trying to situate all I could, and more were joining on the snowball fight until finally there is an all out snowball fight between enlisted and NCOs while I'm still the only one actually finishing this work. Needless to say I get the heat when somethings wrong with one of them now. Go figure. At least I did go meet up with a friend just to get some steam off but it isn't really how I would assume you "celebrate a birthday".

I don't really understand the point of celebrating a birthday. I've felt this need to say, go somewhere special, or see a bunch of friends. But it feels like those urges are only due to that being "the norm" and I don't really see a true reason to treat the day special except for that everyone else does.

Straying away (well, not quite) from the topic of "things that make me abnormal", I may be getting to know a girl soon who apparently may find me attractive. These things are strange to me, as it's really something that just doesn't happen. It's been far longer than I'm willing to admit anonymously on the internet since my last true relationship. Through discussions, I've been finding what is apparently problems with myself which reasons as to why I never have something.

It has been said that I try too hard, but I don't really try enough. Now, I can't even begin to make sense out of that phrase at first, yet after deeper consideration it almost does make sense. When I see a pretty girl, I tend to just not have anything to say. This is primarily because I'm not social to begin with, but also because I don't know what I could possibly say to catch such a woman's intrigue. Should any actually talk to me instead of me initiating conversation, I tend to cling. Because woah, this girl's actually talking to me? Maybe I have a chance." I don't feel like I get too clingy, but usually other obstacles end up getting in the way that causes me to grow frustrated that I'm not succeeding and everything barrel rolls downwards.

A big problem is that any girl who is datable, is already dating. Let's face it, if you're a good looking girl, not even a 10 but even a 7, then chances are you're with someone unless you're a slut in which case you're not with someone but you're still having your fun and I don't quite wish to touch you anyway. Most girls I find myself interested in already have a boyfriend, because any approachable girl has been approached, otherwise she wouldn't be approachable. I couldn't count the number of girls in my life that fell into this category. In fact it's gotten to the point where if I find a girl, and she does not have a boyfriend, there must be a reason why she doesn't. Maybe she's a slut, maybe she's ugly, maybe she's simply a psychopath that murdered their last boyfriend. Either way there's some underlining reason why she isn't with someone, and it's usually something where if I knew the reason I probably wouldn't be with her either.

I must also point out my flaws in that not only am I a social disaster, but I look into things very precisely and learn all that I can. While I consider this a virtue, in the world of love this is apparently a flaw to have at first, even though a woman will complain about you not understanding them throughout the relationship. I've always been one to figure things out, to not bend the truth when giving advice. Let's be honest, when I give advice, sometimes it's harsh, but it's always the truth. Even if I don't know the full situation, as cocky as it makes me sound, I've usually got it figured out, and my advice may not be the followed solution, but it is the correct one. This honesty is such a heavy downfall in the past few women I've talked to. One has horrible relationship problems, unhappy facebook statuses, on and off again, have a good time with me ignoring her nearby boyfriend, then talk privately with the boyfriend to come back distant. I'm not an idiot I can see he's a problem, and then she even admits "I was in a bad mood because of him" Yet when I say that it's dumb for her to get back with him if all they do is fight, that's very "rude" of me and then my chances slowly disintegrate as she continuously says I don't know the situation and he's a sweet guy and she stops talking to me... only for not even a day later to once again be saying how boys suck and such because of whatever stupid thing is going on next. Some of those girls won't ever come back and apologize even if they see I was right, just because.

What would be the inverse of that situation where I spoke my mind and that's the reason why she stops talking to me? Well that would be to not say anything. And by not saying anything, the opportunity is passed up. There is no middle ground for me like most people apparently have. I either keep my thoughts to myself, or I share them. Either way it becomes a catch 22 where theres nothing I can do. People tell me I just need to be myself, but those two halfs are myself in its entirety, at least as far as a social life goes. It's a good thing I'm vaguely decent looking otherwise the few girls I have been with probably never would have happened. I must also admit every girl I've been with I've found through a friend. I never just went to a bar or whatever it is people do now and just started talking to someone. It doesn't feel like anything I would do. However, all of these friends of mine, have run out of friends. Not that there were many friends on that list to begin with. Some of them say "yeah I'm looking for you" "we need to find you a girlfriend" "I'll keep my eyes open at work/school/etc for any girls you might like". They're all empty promises, some friends never try, some claim they look but never find anything. One person ever has actually admitted they tried but seriously have no idea of any existing girl that might actually go well with me, which is basically a sugarcoated "I don't think any girl would date you". Others never mention it but when I ask about any random girl they know it's just "not my type". I don't think there is a such thing as "my type". I sure don't know what it is. Everyone is flawed, and no one imagines the perfect significant other and thinks "okay, so what flaws would I add to her/him?" I'm sure I do have a type, but even I don't know what it is, so how anyone would be able to tell me that every girl on the face of the universe is not this infamous "type" is a mystery.

It may be in my best interest to sleep though. I figure if I appear as a zombie, that won't exactly make me a hunky stud.