Trust

Every time I find time to log onto this blog, things in life have drastically changed. I'm not at home anymore in New Jersey. I'm currently in Fort Leonard Wood, Missouri. Training in a Motor T instruction platoon. This place is really in the middle of nowhere.

Since there is no life here for me, all that I really have to my life is the lives of those who mean anything to me. Lets consider myself X, and consider Y to be a girl who really means the world to me, who is in a relationship with my good friend Z. Z has been complaining for months, and just before I left he ended their 4 year relationship. Y has been a mess, and caring, I was trying to be there for her, even though I'm now around 2000 miles away. So I'm not there to see what's going on, X says A to Z, Z says B about X to Y, Y says C to X which is completely not what Z was saying to X, but now Y is mad at X over what Z says, Z is mad at Y over what X says, and X is mad at Z over what Y says. The whole alphabet, in turn, explodes into a cluster.

Okay enough analogies. I just care about the girl, and all this time my friend is telling me the girl has plum lost her mind, standing outside his house where he doesn't want to come outside and deal with her, or at least that's what he tells me. It makes me worry about her, and then me worrying about them both and trying to talk and help from this distance any way I can only makes things worse, because according to her things are going better and they talked and are friends again or whatever. I don't know what's actually happening since I'm so far away, so the confusion causes more drama, and then she extremely doesn't trust me because I talk to him. Everything that happens just gets worse and worse for me and no one else.

Is that my purpose maybe? He just says it's because they want to settle things themselves and I want to be concerned. Everyone else doesn't care because they have their own problems to worry about. What do I have to life? Nothing. All I have to my life is the ones that mean most to me. And I don't even care if I'm alive or not as long as I can actually be there for those people. It's my sole purpose in life because my own life really doesn't matter for anything. This was why I preferred just never having emotions or anything. The minute I start to care, or feel anything, my world is the one that goes to trash, and always mine. And the worst part is, it's always all the negative things that get relayed to other people. Any of the positive things such as the way I care or anything that would help someone understand my motives and actions better? That will never be heard by other people. The good just gets lost in everyone else's negativity and I am left an empty shell yet again. Go figure.

Social Life

I spend less and less time on the internet as I spend more and more time socializing.

Socialization has never really been my "thing". However, with a best friend moving away I've broadened my horizons, and I find myself becoming more social. I sit at the Quick Check and people come and go. I've even started sitting there when no one else was there just to pass the time somewhere away from home. It almost feels weird to be social and talk to the people who hang around there.

I even met a few girls. Naturally, by talking about their existence, the universe sets me up for failure. One of them actually works at Quick Check. She has a boyfriend, a fireman in the national guard, I do get along with him, and I have morals that wouldn't let me do anything sneaky, but this girl is the one who's flirty with me, always steals my hat, calls me up to see if I want to keep her company when she gets on break. I'm not even trying yet the girl seems to have taken a liking to me, and vice versa. The only problem is that I feel uncomfortable about it due to her being in a relationship. If this girl happened to be single it would be better, but I don't want these people who are just starting to get to know me to label me with a reputation such as "that guy that tries to get with other people's girls". I already worry enough over my ex spreading that kind of reputation about me when it's not even true.

There is another girl I've met through these new people. Not the best looking girl, but I'd say her personality matches mine. I want to at least get to know her better and see if it could go anywhere, but she doesn't seem talkative to me, and I can't seem to get words out to her. The first girl things flow so naturally, I guess because she actually talks to me, where this girl does not. It sort of strays about in my head over the situation, the pros and cons of each, the posibility of either at all, and just wondering about everything while also taking note of this sudden paradigm shift in my social life. I don't really know what to think, the most basic way to explain my mind right now is where some may follow their heart and follow the one that's making you happy, I haven't used my heart in years, and all I have to go by is logic. Very rarely do logic and emotion match. And I'm left in contemplation while also feeling a little zoned out over it all happening so fast.