Loneliness

Loneliness. A feeling that comes all to frequently. It always comes and goes like phases of the moon, or even a menstruation cycle. And it's a feeling that practically defines life for me.

As far back as memories can even go, I spent most of my time by myself. Even my early childhood would have me sitting quietly in the basement building with Legos or playing with colorforms. I didn't care as much for riding bikes or playing with friends. In fact my childhood didn't really have much as far as friends, I had maybe one up till when I was 8 or 9. And then the few more friends I gained were all so distant in my eyes that after I went to high school I never really talked to any of them again.

High school I guess is when I actually started getting legitimate friends, friends I still talk to today. High school also brought my first interest in girls. Before that sure I thought girls were pretty, and like every other preteen boy I was looking at dirty magazines and all that which isn't necessary to get into detail about. But then a girl thought I was cute I guess, and I decided to go for it and get that "first kiss" where my life changed and girls were suddenly the only thing I could think about.

Now I'm in college. I should be done with it but sometimes Engineering winds up taking a bit more than 4 years. I still keep the closer friends I made in high school, and some friends I've made after high school too. I still don't have a lot of friends, I'm just not that kind of socialite. I much prefer to have those few individuals you can count on with your life than a multitude of idiots you don't actually trust. Even with these close friends I still need time to just be by myself, as I always have. I just can't take always having people around. There is a difference now in comparison to my childhood however. Because this social world collided with my little bubble back when, I can't handle complete solitude the way I used to. Even when I still prefer being by myself, I need to occasionally get it all out, be with at least one other person just to actually remember how it feels to need to speak to make communication.

I don't completely understand the cravings for social interaction. It's something I never needed growing up, but now that I'm grown I need to do it at least every few days, like giving water to a plant. I continue to prefer solitude, yet without this social "water" my brain begins to wilt.I sometimes think I see the social world as an experiment. While I do have those few friends I count on, when I'm with them and the group of people becomes larger, I tend to not speak. I feel like I don't need to, and conversation seems to go so fluently that I never really find a particular moment that feels right to add something to. I much prefer staying quiet in these situations, because one thing I've always been good at my whole life is observation, and that's just what I do while everyone else is talking. I like to watch everyone talk. I see how people react to different topics, I see body language and figure out their thoughts based on it. I gain more understanding for people from watching them interact and figuring them out than I do from interacting with them myself. It's like they're my own little science projects.

As much as I enjoy observing how people work mentally, to the point where I can understand how and why things effect each person the way they do, I've sort of strayed off from the original topic, loneliness. As much of a loner I prefer to be, the feeling of love is the biggest puzzle of all. A puzzle that I once thought I had solved, yet was so long ago that I don't remember if I really did or not, or what the solution even may be. I don't remember what it feels like to be in love, if love even really does exist. I often wonder if it does, because anyone who says they're in love, can have their love life come to an end, and then realize they were mistaken, but you don't realize this mistake until after it ends, so how could you know you're in love, if no matter how much you believe so, you could easily just be wrong? It's something I don't understand.

I try to understand it, because every single friend I hold close to me has a significant other. Boyfriend, girlfriend, fiance, you know the deal. I haven't had a girl to hold in close to 4 years, and sometimes I see these friends kissing goodnight, cuddling during a movie, arguing, traveling somewhere together. It's all feelings that I can't relate to anymore due to forgetting over a length of time. Seeing this possible love between people, whether it's my close friends or complete strangers, will occasionally depress me, if only because it's the one thing I don't have a vague understanding of, and that I can't remember what holding someone would feel like. What you would feel not only in your mind, but in that strange little thing we call a soul, when that special someone looks into your eyes, lays her head on your shoulder during a movie, or even keeps warm in your arms during sleep. The lack of memory over time and lack of understanding because of it is just depressing, and this is the dreaded feeling of loneliness that veers overhead as if it were a curse. There's nothing that I can do to just understand. Instead I just lay in bed holding my pillow, wondering what it might have felt like when I wasn't the only one laying here.